The crawly in my blanket

'Before Sunset' by far has been the scariest thing I saw this week. For the minority who may not have seen this masterpiece, please do not do so. I have seen it several times but it is one piece of art that can fill me with joy, anguish and fantasy at the same time. The scariest part of the movie is when Jesse describes his marriage... he says how he started out wanting to follow this ideal self of his, rather than the honest self.. he thought that respect, admiration and trust were enough and if he could be this ideal version of himself it didn't matter who he was with. Love would happen... its been some years now and he is miserable. He feels he is running a nursery for his 4 year old with someone he used to date once.

U see I have been living with the same idea for several months now... that it is me that matters. I need to be who I wanna be and then it does not matter who I end up with. I'll be able to give and receive love nonetheless but this guy just scared the shit out of me.

Its funny coz over the last several months I have been warring with the realisation that love is that something magical... its that wrinkle in the bedsheet that fits perfectly with the edge of the mattress for it to be folded under. Its that snug exact length of an arm you would like to tuck around yourself while going to sleep every night. No elbow jutting out... no finger in your face.

I do not want to beleive that its an exact science. And its bloody terrifying. I have been swimming in what ifs... what if I do not find my crazy baby in time? what if he does not like my kind of sex? What if I can't talk to him like I have done with some people in my life... just the way one connects with random strangers at times...

There is another funny thing that scares me that I'd like to confess. My job entails I keep meeting my BU Heads. And somehow there is this one man who seems to like certain qualities in me. Like the fact that I listen. So to cut a long story short, I had a dissgreement with him on a decision he took and I made it clear to him... in the next couple of hours we met 4 times and each time we disagreed. He obviously enjoyed the intellectual jogging and told me as much. So towards the end of these couple of hours... he cracked a joke and all around laughed including me, and I responded with a wise crack and in that one moment... our frequencies were so in tune that he physically moved towards me... to slap my back or hug me, I don't know... I could feel my eyes widening with a mixture of fear and shock and he realised just in time that we had an audience and pulled himself back. I don't know if it was visible to others, but I was shaken a little. I don't think there was anything sexual in that sudden overpowering impulse he felt, but its scared me nonetheless.

I am scared of the way people can feel around me. And specially intelligent ones. They seem to have this need to be understood and I am someone who can listen deeply. Its a very tiring process trust me. Its very hard work... to listen. And I am making a pattern out of people talking about things they wouldn't have told anyone. I share snippets with some relevant others outside and they are shocked at people talking to me about all that stuff. Someone said it gives me a lot of power... but maybe... I don't want that power. I just want to be me. This whole adult world sounds and feels very alien to me most times and I don't know if I wanna play this game of listening and reaching deep any more. Honeslty... I get a sense of being violated. I get a sense that people use this ability of mine to be able to listen to them... so deeply sometimes I become one with them... their pain becomes mine and their anguish burns in my heart. It is difficult to explain to most people. And it all can be so horribly misconstrued by everyone. I begin to threaten people and the whole cycle of destructive behavior around me begins. Or they start projecting all their desires on me and expecting the world. I don't have all the talents in the world and I end up being blamed for that. Someone who could make them feel like heaven in the beginning is suddenly no good any more.

The only solution therefore seems to join them... and behave like I am just one of the many insensitives around and you'll get no different from me than from anyone else. It seems like an ok enough defense mechanism, which will so surely make me very unhapppy.

Anyway excuse me for this has been a desultory conversation. I just poured my heart out and it's splashing around rather erratically rt now.