Answers don't answer anymore

It seems sometimes that all this search is in vain or I have some chemical locha in my head. It is just such a tiring experience to live, I almost wanna give up. I wanna crib crib crib and crib about life and how my boss sucks, and that my friends seem to all have gotten busy with their lives and I feel like I am floating... not really going anywhere. Its like a car without headlights... staircase without the landing in sight.

Writing like this..? No one wants to read someone's cribs in life. I know that. I mean our own lives have gotten so heavy to carry its just not possible to do that for some one else. Then I wonder if it would not have been better that I'd rather be a bird or animal on this planet than be human...

Some say I should be grateful for all the good I have around me. Clothes on my body, food on my plate and a roof on my head with a relatively high level of confidence that I will not get murdered tonight by some random burgler. And I still can't shake that heavy feeling in my heart. Its almost like I can't breathe all that deep that I want to.

It does not help that I have had a big fight with my room mate and her attempts at making peace sound even more pathetic as all I sense is some selfishness there. I distrust het to such a level that I can't believe she will do anything at all that is not motivated with some selfish concern. Not a great feeling to have for a person you have been living with under the same roof for two years.

I am a person who in any situation will first think about how the other person might be feeling. These situation might also be one in which I get rudely woken up at 2:30 AM and still feel what might have motivated the other person to do so... So if my boss says something really rude... I'll think may be he is not having such a good day or probably he is saying it for my own good... or maybe I did something to make him say what he did... I can get so deathly empathetic in such inane situations I can't beleive myself.

I now know that this does not come from some deep lack of self esteem etc etc... for many years that is what I thought. But now I know that this is not the case. I am just someone who has this process to relate to a situation... through emotions of the other party. Its all good just that most times it leaves me without a defense machanism. I take whatever shit people give me without reacting to it. Always giving them the benefit of doubt... thinking there must be a reason behind their bad behavior and that once I get to understand that... I will look at the situation differently.

Over the past few months somehow... my faith has gone considerably to the dogs. The faith that essentially all human beings are good at heart and we should not judge what lies beneath with what happens on the surface. I find myself turning into this cynical being who reads motives behind behaviors, because it has been made evidently clear to me that people will consider you worth your salt when they feel you have a patch on others in the worldly ways. So you need to be this smart soul who knows how to navigate through shark infested waters because everyone is looking for shortcuts. If you know the way... well you will have a lot of followers/supporters etc etc because they all can then ride on your back and make you feel good about it.

I somehow dislike the parasitism which seems to be the norm. To get to things quicker and faster whatever be the goal. And you are a looney if you don't conform. So if I offer something to someone with an open heart and a bright smile, they will take it for sure but keep waiting for when is it that I come to their door step asking for a withdrawl from the favour bank.

Another drawback to the situation is that I am overly sensitive to the vibes and undertones of conversations. I hear the undertones more than the words... need to or how will I read the emotions... My information gathering gets hijacked and I can't help reacting or not reacting to the emotional undertones...

I end up damaging my peace of mind and my confidence in my ability to take care of my own interests and protect myself in an adverse situation. So I have started fighting now. Fighting people. I tell them what I like and don't. Somehow you get a lot more respect that ways than when you'd take care of what others might need. You might be liked but most people will take you for a wuss unless proven otherwise.

World is nothing but all mirrors around us and these eyes actually don't show us anything but ourselves. I can't beleive for a moment that the other person could have any malice or some evil for me or any intention to hurt me with their words (except when angry). And others can't beleive that I actually don't want anything in return but just to be taken at face value because I mean what I say.

And if someone really bothers to listen, I am telling you all the time how I feel... But for that you will have to look beyond the mirror of your own self and really look at me.

To end it all... its just too tiring for me to have this constant battle with this world around me where I might not be taken for what I really am and am under pressure all the time to be something everyone else sees in themselves because that's the only thing that makes them safe.

I am an altruist. I am some one who will not shy away from sacrifice if I beleive that to be the way to go for higher good. But it seems this world does not need people like me. I am an outcast or am included only when someone wants to talk about all their deal... very very rare and few actually listen. And it is such a joy to be listened to. My actions are misconstrued... and then people walk around feeling smart they paid me back in a fitting currency.

So the only way to be is to hold back... not give or trust. Not have empathy. And play it safe. I so wish I could do it with the panache I see it being done with around me. I am so poor at the rules of this game and it seems this is the only one being played rt now.