Lethargy

So can you be in love with someone if you don't like who you are with them? If you feel humiliated and defeated... and all that you can feel is so much pain that it numbs you... right when you should be screaming your head off... you just nod. Just nod. Just nod. When you reach a point that you don't expect them to understand anymore because it will start a conversation you do not have energy for. When you cry... but not because you expect a gesture of warmth. It comes straight from the soul. Like it needs to be emptied. When you do not wish to hope, for it needs courage and that needs stamina. So I am done. Or somewhere close to it.

The plurality of Virtue

The moral shape of silence
To not say...
is to lie..
is to hide..
is to hurt...
in an attempt to not hurt...
Is it the end result...
The one that you cannot control...
The thing alone that counts?
Or is that small little thing called 'Volition'...
A round peg in a square hole?
Countertops...table stakes...must dos and haves
feel like its all a game and gamble
for its impossible to know what you want...
and even tougher to know what I have...
So in the end its just luck that I come up
with the hand you needed dealt...
And then the question is
Did you win or I?

And the hope that sun will shine... soon

You think that you know love. You think that you have lived it for years ... and then one day it just ups and surprises the life out of you. Literally the life out of you. The past few weeks have been tough. They've been about choices. Like a multiple choice with just one right option. And you look at it... the paper infront of you and you just can't pick one. From your point of view you love all these people wanting you to choose... and then love does not say its a planet where you have countries with lines and boundaries and violent defenses. So why to have to make a choice...? So you think you'll trump it! You'll refuse to pick and let love run its course. Have faith and wait it out... wait for all these people to believe that loving someone does not mean I don't love you too. That I am not dividing myself up... just sharing more of me. Subtle differences... deeper hurts. And then the whole cycle of waiting for yourself to forgive yourself for assumed damages on all sides... and everyone looking at you with the accusation that you could have prevented it. Yes... I could have. But then what would I have done about the voice within that screams stop compromising! That screams enough! The good thats come out of it all is that I faced my worst fears in their faces... And they aren't that scary. Am still numb. I don't feel much. There was some positive hope... but then seems 'fickle' too is a law somewhere. For it shows up in equations pretty often. The funny thing is that in the end when I did not have to pick and all came around to what I had been saying from the very start... why do I feel its better to strike it out alone... for some time. Human beings, wants and do-not-wants, duty and right... guilt and righteousness... its all grey. I think I'll do what I always do. Wait it out for the sun to shine... soon.

Pivoting squares

The make of the cast has a purpose. It sticks. And stays. Water on the other hand... fools the cast into thinking its done. And then it slips out... smiling in its own language. It does all it wants in the cast... rise up... splash out... stay quiet and meditate. And then... when the will demands... it slips out.

Heaven forbid the day it starts thinking the cast is it. The cast it is. So flow. Flow.

The horcrux

The serpent sayeth...
Will you lay down?
Hiss on the mind playeth
for in poison too calm is found.

The dark shadows
seem inviting
Time's quiet sallows
No prayer and just a wing.

Its been a year and more

Its been a long time since I came to the dear blog. Have shied away from writing for a long long time thinking only wishy washy people parade their emotional wares in public for other people to buy. And had always searched for that elusive place where it does not matter and then you can write whatever you wanna. May be I am getting there. I really hope so.

So life has been a roller coaster. I am going to be thirty very soon. I am an indian girl courting the thirties and man... peer pressure's gotten new depths of meaning and nuances to it that I never thought existed. I see a lot of people doing stuff...like getting married for there are just too many questions to answer other wise and well... one has to settle down one day so might as well. And well... what can you expect in a wife / husband and may be this is just about good enough and we'll throw in a few surprises to get things going for at least sometime... so viola! get hitched.

And I feel like what if my life isn't meant to be lived by the rules? What if I just don't fit in the framework? What if...