Its not a happy ending

Quite acerbic infact. I was almost thinking of not putting it down here but then I was suddenly quite sure I will come back to this someday and laugh. In a nut shell, my nerves are frayed... and I was shaking with anger some time back. And Moms are the best thing in the world because they happen to be the only people in one's life who will listen to all the rants any time of the day or night. I love mine.

Its my last night in this house... I have spent almost two years here. I start a new phase tomorrow. Its wierd thinking right now that I will have to learn to wake up and go to sleep in a different set of walls. I am hoping I will be able to call it home. I am hoping I will grow to love the corners and imperfections and feel the warmth of family and friends in it. I am actually excited about it and have been planning house warming parties for quite some time.

Of the time spent in this house, I'd say much has changed in my life here. I wish I had carried a greater wealth of friends from the people I met in this house. That will be limited to the domestic helps, and its not a mean feat trust me. I'd rather be with simple poor people than complicated bitchy rich ones. :) If I have managed two, who can be trusted blindly and will stand with me in trying times... I have done well.

So I will sleep with this prayer tonight:

'Dear God, bless me with a wealth of friends, people I can call my own. Bless me with souls who will walk with me, even if the bodies carrying them may not be around, for I am always greedy for unadulterated pure faith to be put in and received from them. Bless me with people who are simple, honest and understand love. I truly do not require much more after that. Amen.'

Take a deep breath in and hold.

I am in love with Jason Mraz and Eric Hutchinson at the moment... the latter's song rock and roll has been on repeat since morning. And Mraz's 'I'm yours' is my cell ring tone. I spent some good amount of time shopping with my friend and then visiting her family yesterday. She has two small boys and they are such cute monsters. We made strories on icecream monsters and how if they do come out of the icecream cups they will bite everyone in the bum! :D and then we ran around squealing with laughter... Then they wore their Judo uniforms and showed off all their moves.. So one min I'd be discussing something profound with my friend on love, realtionships and marriage and the larger game plan of life and second discussing strategies to kill the icecream monster with the elder one of her babies. It was absolutely chaotic and fun. Then I came back and spent an unholy 5 hours on the net researching rock bands and looking for ways to steal music from the net. So all in all a good day.

The strategy for today is yet to emerge. The fact that I am supposed to be out of this house on Wednesday and shift to a new house is supposed to be a priority... But as you may have already guessed it will take a large large push for me to get started in that direction! It is an infinitely more interesting proposition to just get out of home and go to Powai and spend time walking the roads with my ipod and all this music pouring over me in the light rain... or go to a cafe with my laptop and just waste time writing! But... let me get started on my packing or I am just going to have to sit and cry for all the laziness in the next three days itself!

As for reading, I am munching on 'Influence: Science and Practice' by Robert Cialdini... Yet another amazing book. It peels the layers from the marketing srategies and tells us how every day of our lives we are actually being manipulated like puppets by the proponents of consumerism and what have we in the world around us...(Marketing was my minor in college and I spend a good amount of time comparing ad campaigns, content, creatives etc... like zoozoos vs what-they-call-em from virgin mobile ad campaign... and the whole idea of Idea cellular using Aby's baby which is obviously a more costly and maybe less effective proposition... you get the drift)... All in all not a good book for control freaks. Its brilliantly written... the examples and experiments are completely relatable and for those who are interested in the devious workings of human mind, this is a must read... for you can increase your effectiveness in getting people to do what you want them to manifolds. The author also talks about defense strategies against being influenced... cherry on all the icing on all the yummy cake.

The list after this includes 'Crucial Conversations'... I am to assist building a training program around this so... Just hoping it doesn't go all preachy on me. Will let ya know... till then Crape Diem!

Phew....

I reached the big milestone in life... I do not anymore feel the need of teaching others any or all of my pearls of wisdom in life. And a lil surprisingly, my reaction to the realisation was that of immense relief. Its like there is an agenda hanging around conversations reeking of your saccharine enthusiasm in life and trust me there is nothing that puts someone off more than the fact that you are dying tell them how to make their shit better.

That was tough confessing but its done.

You know honestly... I feel there is something deeply cultural about this symtom... from the place I come from, everyone has it. Its almost like the way of conversations back there. And I am glad to have grown over it. So if there was a community called 'To each his own'on facebook, I'd be the latest member.

Halo of the shadow

I have been having this idea of writing this big big tome of a novel and all I need is a paid vacation to someplace shiny and warm for 13 months a year. Only because its gonns be a tourist spot and people are gonna come and go. No long relationships. I think time kills them, most anyway. I would selfishly only wanna know them till they are there... when they have all the time in the world and money for themselves. Its the best time to engage their faculties completely, when they listen and wanna be something bigger and different from their ordinary lives.

I want me to be the only constant in this brilliant laboratory of souls in human forms... though I wouldn't mind a dog. Have you ever imagined some place like this and how the rules of the game change. Suddenly, it does not matter where you are from, what your family did to you or you to them. You can come up with a fictional life and no one would care. Every one's just completely self-indulgent, and refreshingly honest about it... for they are on a vacation.

I've begun to dislike reading other people's blogs... my own too actually. Yes... I go and re-read my posts. To see if they carry the same emotion for me now as they did then. Mostly the answer is yes and sometimes I get cringy and uncomfortable at all the emotion I have laid bare for strangers to read. And I get bored with all the self-indulgence I see... I did blah blah blah... my life has... my passion is... I feel like... and you can very well turn around and say I din't ask you to read mine so fuck off for I can clearly do without your self-indulgent take on the issue. So to divert the whole matter lets see if we can answer the question of why do people write blogs? I do know its a mode of expression, but is it:

1. Blogs are like surrogates for conversations. In our worlds people use blogs to say what they don't have anyone to express to. sorry state. Not all probably, but most. And the remaining few get to be 'Blogs of note'...

2. Blogs are like surrogates for a desired life. You can weave threads into an anonymous story and put it out there for a larger audience. And experiment with what if that is how things really were, would the world have turned out for you? Comments or No Comments. and if any... what kind? Sympathy, love, curiosity, agreement...

I think I know my answer. You can find one for you and keep it.