I dont remember when I started disliking my mother. The feeling has only grown stronger with time. I treat her like a woman than my mother. I compete with her. I feel very very proud when my decisions in life are better than hers. I feel proud knowing my sister is closer to me. That she looks up to me more than her today. I am the wiser, more dependable and more fun person to be around. I like the fact that I am mostly more informed and can kill her points with pointed questions. I've been working towards reaching here you see. How readily I jump to sister's or Dad's defense. Almost like we have a common enemy. What's frustrating is that she does not see it. She does not understand that I need to win. She depends upon me. She asks for advice. She waits for my calls. She wants me to reciprocate her concern. And I feel good that I withhold it. I feel powerful for being able to deny. I know that it hurts her.
I am taking revenge. For killing my self-esteem. For the lack of appreciation shown. For beating me black and blue with a rubber pipe. For not showing any tenderness afterwards. For not making me understand I was capable of standing up on my own. For always telling me how I would be so lost without her. And how she is always right. And making me believe I could never take decisions on my own in life. For always being the better out of every one around.
But today, I am toying with the idea of not competing any more. I am thinking about accepting her as the person she is. About ending this viscious cycle of doing unto you as you did unto me. I feel this may be the only way of standing as my own person. Independent of what she or any one else did. Because this decision is not motivated by anger, hatred or revenge. Its not motivated by who she is. Its coming from who I am. And that is my liberation.
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