(What) To be or (What) not to be

I have this place inside me. Its a place I visit in dire situations. I just go inside and say these lines ... "I need help. So please help me." and I get the response... "I am right here, tell me." I like this place. I like the friend I find there too.
These are times when lonliness somehow just gets to me. I find that I am unable to explain to most who and how I really am. And I wonder... is it really so difficult?

I like people. I grow through them. I like meeting and talking to them coz I like to know their stories. I learn from them.
I am very cautious about sharing mine. Hardly any know the truth, the whole truth... I don't like talking about my past. It does not serve any purpose.
"I am too lazy to hold a grudge" - Sid (Ice age 1). Loved that guy in the movie... loved his line. And found one day... damn! that's so me. I can't hold a grudge no matter how hard I try. I can't remember most times why I fought with someone. Its not a good thing because others do and they don't appreciate it when you go back to them smiling and behaving like nothing happened they feel I am taking them for granted or for a ride. No one wants to believe that I am just plain stupid and I forgot.
I take risks... biiiiig emotional risks. Some pay off... some don't. No matter how bad it hurts, you will mostly find me picking up the phone and talking to people first. I believe that people need to communicate. Everyone wants one thing over everything else... they need to be understood. They need to feel you listened to them without any agenda and take their words just as they mean em... with no added flavor. I like to give people this chance. Irony is most don't take it coz they just don't believe they have one ever.
I believe in second chances. I think they bring the best gifts life has to offer. They reinstate the faith that one can make things work and that its ok to fail the first time. My mom wanted an abortion when she was carrying me... I so would not have been on the planet but for the one I got!
I think too much.
I love to laugh. I hate my job mostly because there is no time left for fun. Everyone's cribbing and losing their temper and being sadists and calling clients names... the one girl I thought was funny only cribs now. I just shut up and stuff my ears with headphones!! Thank God for Violet.
I like to love. And its very puzzling sometimes to see how much people resist being loved. At times I have asked people to let me love them, just the way I want to. And that they can just be. I don't want anything else. And they all go out of their way to prove to me how it will not work. How suddenly everything assumes an agenda. And I fail to explain to them that its very very simple. Love is very simple. No harm meant... but then its difficult to trust someone who may love you just like that!
I cannot unlove people. Once loved, they always stay loved. It was never love, if it died rt? I would like all of them... the ones who walk with me (I am so grateful to God for them, few but enough)... the ones who walked some distance sometime... all of them to know I will always love them.
I can die for people I love... ok ok I know this sounds filmy. But I have tested my altruistic traits and have always come one up. I love doing things for people I love... I like surprising them with small gestures... my love is very effervescent! If you don't allow me to express it, it gets stifled. It gets depressing. I love hugs... the spontaneous kisses. Probably its this damn altruistic idiocy, that makes me think about how bad the other is feeling and think about my own self later! T says my empathetic tendencies will be the death of me one day.
I hate sarcasm. I don't like the kind of people who make others feel bad about themselves... This is the only thing that can kill my love, temporarily. I can't be with people who need to suck positivity out of others to stay happy themselves. I can't be with someone who'd put all those words together to make me feel how I was so pathetic at something, how I din't make the cut and hence how I am not supposed to be a part of the elite... I am very scared of such things coz more often than not I will believe them. I trust people implicitly when I love them and their words, if casually used can really hurt coz I will believe whatever they say about me. Sanity will prevail... after some time and good amount of effort. In time I'll understand their reasons as well... I actually wait for the day I can smile again when thinking of what I'd felt earlier. And I am ready to be friends again coz I know why they may have done whatever they did. Like I said... can't hold a grudge.

I don't know how much of the above is good for me... and how much should be changed. I get really confused sometimes. I land myself in a vulnerable situation more often than not and I find people taking the satisfaction of knowing they din't come back first. I find people seeing this as a sign of weakness... being unable to understand that its something that just happened, lets learn from it and move on. They can't see that I am asking them to tell me what I did wrong and that I will really listen to them and implement it. They can't see that I am willing to listen first before being listened to. More often, I wouldn't expect them to listen at all.

There is just one relationship I have, where all this has been done and it has worked beautifully. Its my most cherished relationships rt now. And I so hope to God it stays that way. I turn to it for faith and friendship very often. It makes me believe that such a bond can exist. It gives me hope. It is one place in this planet where I can make my mistakes... be me... and I know I will not be given up on. Reaffirms my faith in my own soul.
Like someone says... when you feel lonely and an outsider, all you need to remember is that you haven't found your family yet! I have one in my family now... with me that makes it two. And I like large families... Here's to hoping in some time soon... I'll find another and then another one of my kin.