Lights and shadows

I am clothes rich. And got cool laptop speakers. And this is not the high point of my Diwali at home this time.

It was a perfect day... in every way. I managed to get up in time (like 5 in the morn) for the bus at 6:30. Reached home much before 10 (approx 3 hours from Bombay to my home!). Had yum crispy bread pakoras for with mom's very own zing-your-brain-like-a-guitar-spicy green chutni! The skin on my fingers burns... my eyes water... I can't talk for sometime but I love that chutni man!

Anyway so... the plan for the day was that Mom and Dad were to compete. Now where do you think that might be happening hmmm? In the kitchen of course! Each was to cook a sweet dish and we the daughters were to be the judges. So Mom made gulaab jamuns and Dad made lauki khoye ki mewe waali barfi!!!! The amount of almonds on that thing is undescribable!

And while they exchanged notes and fought with each other and then laughed and then fought (you get the drift!!) they also managed to make some awesome chicken curry with desi ghi ki roti. And Dad's patent salad! And then we all sat down and watched Lagaan for 2 billionth time on TV. The movie is FUN!... made so much more so with Dad's wise cracks... sister's retorts... and Mom's uncanny ability to summarise the whole situation in a line or two which is so funny it kills me sometimes.

Sister was under some duress... she ambles to the kitchen and says... there is so much to do Maaaaaaa..... I am thirsty.... I need to peee... I want to eat that heavenly smelling chicken you are making and the damn movie is just passing me by!... what to do... what to do....

Dad had a solution but for the sake of the family's honor it shall not be revealed.

So Dad won. He cheated of course. Not that his dish was bad... frankly it was very tough to decide and he won coz he bribed us. Well. :) People at office were almost equally divided on which did they like better!

We had the Pooja in the evening. Nothing elaborate... very simple but with lots of lamps and flowers, just as I like it. Lighting those small clay lamps is my favorite part of this festival... Sis and I take it to perfection... with those lil lamps lining the walls in precise symmetry and distance. Then we run down the stairs and look at our house and go awwww.... that one's so cute... awwwww this one's so bright!

I came back the very next morning... but its a day that's warming my soul till today, and will for some days to come. I started laughing the moment I landed and dint stop the whole day... we just lazed on Mom's bed and discussed everything from Obama to our stock markets to office gossip (their's and mine). I slept well.... Mom managed to find time for our champi routine. Dad joked on the state of my equity holdings account... and then on a solemn note said that he is just waiting for the damn index to go down to 6K and then he too will invest again!

I am still somewhat jealous of the way my sis can just get up from her bed and go and snuggle with him under his blanket. The way they play with each other... their jokes, which sometimes no one around them gets. And the way he refills her box of eclairs every time without reminding him. The way he tells her that he is going to be so clueless when she leaves. I just wanna add that every one will be.

Prolly the reason I waited two days to write about that day is that I knew I will be sad. It was so perfect. It was so everything I ever wanted home to be... and its there now and she will leave.

I will miss her. Very much. And maybe I am blessed too to love someone so much that I'll miss them like life.

I turn 50

...posts old today. :)

In two and a half months.

Do I qualify as 'bloggative'? Do I? Hmmm...?

?

I read J K Rowling's commencement address at Harvard Alumni Association 2008. She talks about some beautiful themes therein. One of them is that there is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering your life in the wrong direction. The moment you are old enough to take the wheel the responsibility lies with you.

I feel I have taken the steering wheel.. am sitting in the car of my life and am just wondering where to drive out to. Ironically most of us pine for this moment when they will take the wheel coz they are just frustrated with someone else driving them around. Now that I have been in that moment for quite some time... I just don't know where to go. In a way I am missing the awareness that the responsibility lies with someone else... It was easy to just sit at the back and blame them for everything that din't happen as per expectations...

The full import of the word responsibility is coming home. I am responsible for my own life. I bear the consequences of decisions I make. Its amazing the number of people I see going back home then... not physically but emotionally and intellectually. Take H or M at office... H keeps saying... Its enough now I just wanna go home. Every single one wants to be closer home... No one in this so called high flying consulting firm talks about leaving India. And people wanna flock towards the base location... be it Delhi or Lucknow.

So I feel lost as I sense these lives whizzing past me on the race track of life... And I wonder where are all these people going? This gives me that nasty feeling of sitting on some kind of a time bomb... this uneasy feeling that time's just flying by with each passing day and what do I have to show for it?

Ok... So I have a job that pays the rent, for books and movies and phone calls. And how this is where I had dreamed of reaching just some time ago... And today I feel these standards are so damn external. It seems there is some internal standard... a voice that keeps coming back to you like an echo... doing rounds within. Something which says... Hey! but is this what I wanted to begin with? I thought so... but after reaching here it feels so different! It feels empty now. So maybe I need to come full circle and revisit the whole thing. Its a difficult voice to listen to coz mostly it tells me how cowardly or pathetic I am. Its brutally honest. It tells me where I have not lived up to my highest right. Its also tells me my strengths and leaves the decision of doing something basis this information to me. Everyone has this voice within. Some just manage to drown it in the cacophony of the worlds they build around them. I am hoping this voice within will never drown out and guide me. This will take me to where I need to go.

I am hoping I have solved a bit of the puzzle. For now at least! Still no clue on long term visions and directions etc... but like Martin Luther King said... you don't have to be able to see the whole staircase to be able to take your steps.

Exposed at night

Last night! Yes I did... and before you go onto an overdrive of expectations from the post let me put it as last night was a night of revelations. We had an office party yesterday. Phoenix Mills it was...and four lanes of the bowling alley were booked. But before we get onto the real story I have a few revelations myself! I have never bowled or played pool before.... and can you please change that expression on your face right now? That does not make me a social retard! Rt?

Ok... I hope you still like me!

I had been hanging around (more on the edge of the party scene) when someone came up to me and said he dint think I could bowl. Astounded I ask him Wow! ESP? He says not really... its easy to guess when you see people in a bowling alley not bowling. So he proceeds to teach me and too much pressure I mess up. He gives up on me and goes and hangs himself on the bar. And I hate him in that moment. So the culture illiterate (that wd be me with both hands up) gets into the arena and bowls!! bowls with a vengeance... I gave all those amateurs and semi-amateurs a run for their money! I am good at it and that makes up for the pain in the upper right arm rt now. damn some of those balls were big! Err... I mean heavy! best was Mr. I-did-you-a-favour-tonight's team lost! along with their tempers. I wanted to hand one of them balls to him and say.... 'You need one?'

Then we get bored of big balls and get onto the pool table, nice shiny small balls!... you have people here who are playing the game like art! Like all those angles and making a ball jump over the enemy one without touching! Strokes so smooth and perfect. Precision....! Here you had people sharing life histories of playing on the pool table and how this particular kinda stroke is the only thing someone's picked up from their ex and how the endless nights at college were spent bent over it... sliding up and down.

And then it so happened I was assigned to a team on the table and we were to compete! I attribute this event to a state of drunkenness... both for people who proposed and me who accepted. I'd been semi lolling around the table and someone assumed I could be of use.
Reality dawns... never held that stick in life... never really touched a pool table... compete? Honestly... I was having slight difficulty looking... (Vodka maybe) at others... but also because I was so preempting the impending disaster! There is nothing worse than having a moron on to your team... specially when you are competing with the other line of business. Its not just a game then dude! You are playing for pride!! I cursed my self and my bouncy demeanor and flappy state of mind!

Well... the revelation happened again. Guess what!!! I played well people. I potted on an average 3 balls per game and wasn't so bad on the fouls either!! So got a pat on the back from Mr H ... our team leader! I mean... 3 balls in a row and we ended with the blacky cornered and potted! S.W.E.E.T!!! And I am so hooked to it I wanna play all the time now. Its screwing with my focus with work, that bad hooked!

H was so vehement on how he just never wanted to get married and just live around a pool table with a glass of whisky all his life! I agree somewhere I guess... but I'd like Margaritas, Screwdrivers, Capriojkas... variety on my table!

ps: the night dint end there! we then went on for dinner and danced the night away! I belley danced and showed off my cool new jazz moves... and me and S burned the dance floor with some real good show of the dirty dancing variety. She beats me to it tho! She is such a bad girl! :) And I love her for it! I mean it takes something to scandalise me... and before this turns into a post written in ps... I'll stop! overall a great night out. Over and out!

A T-shirt that says 'No'

Well... The story in the last post ended. Well. I met the client today and it all went ok the minute his huge ego was satisfied. Seeing three women lug it down to Thane from Santacruz (Distance: Equator to the North Pole) was a satisfying experience... He will have an orgasm thinking about this for days to come. His life must be really boring for him to resort to such cheap thrills. But anyway...Best thing was I took this opportunity to open a dialogue with my Boss. And we spoke for a good hour and it seemed like a decent enough chat... considering it happened for the first time in the whole past year!

So the amazing experience which may just be life changing happened last evening. I met someone. E.R.U.D.I.T.E does not begin to say it. He had finished reading all the Puranas before he reached V std. All Upnishads, Vedas by VIII. So he is obviously on a different plane of evolution. And he reminded me of some simple fundamental truths of life.

Our chat drifted towards me and I told him about my inability to face conflicts. I told him how I was a wimp when it comes to confrontations coz I just can not engage in one. I just can not say, 'No, please don't do this. Its bugging me!' He asked me if I don't do anything at all... And why? I say that I am uncomfortable with anger. My mind is conditioned towards not expressing anger because it has learnt for it to cause pain. I hence feel guilt after expressing anger. I also tell him that now I have improved and have started reacting 2 out of 10 times. I tell him I believe in an 'adult-adult' interaction devoid of too many emotions to solve an issue... mostly by the time I cool down the whole thing has lost its fizz and I don't see much point raking the dust then.

He laughed. Very hard. I was awkward coz here I had told this guy a thing so deep about me most of my good pals don't know... and he is laughing. He finally stopped and said all this was brilliant rationa'lie'sation... this facade of 'jaane do', compassion... forgiveness. He said that an ant can not forgive an elephant. I responded saying it bloody well can! How does size matter? He again said that a lamb can not forgive a tiger! And I looked at him and said.. . ok Help me. I am lost!

And then he explained that a lamb can forgive a tiger only if it can kill the tiger too. Since it can not kill the tiger there is no scope of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice. You make the choice for yourself and yourself alone. But you need to be able to kill first... to be able to decide not to kill. You need to be capable of hurting before letting go and forgiving.

He said that the one and only obligation you have is to protect your own interests. Its truly the only thing under your area of control. So react. Not necessarily with anger... but react. Tell him /her what is it that you dint like. Say it and then if they choose to fight, use it as an opportunity to resolve the issue. Say it and then if they choose to leave, let them. They would have left anyway in some time.

I told him his approach sounded selfish. He smiled... looked at me and smiled deep. It felt like coming from his soul and wrapping around mine. He said... 'If you do not tell that person what they are doing wrong to you... you are taking away the opportunity of them changing for the better forever.' You are taking an equal revenge. He/ she upsets you. And you never let them know. They stay as they are and maybe you become weaker too. The entropy of the whole system goes for a toss.What's the big point?

Since then I have about this to two other good friends of mine and have called them 'you cowards' and then reiterated that 4 fingers are still pointing towards me! :)

And I guess I should have published this post yesterday rather than falling asleep on a laptop... drooling in my sleep! May be then Mr Anonymous here would not have taken my case (pl refer to the comment in the previous post!). Ha!

What do you think!?!


ps: I really have a T-Shirt that says "NO!"... for last three years now. I like it much and wear it on one of those days when you have one of those feelings!

The bitter pill...

Hmmm. So I have a professional situation and I am quite jacked, euphemistically speaking. A client has gone and bitched about me to my boss and well... to make matters interesting she happens to be the relationship manager.
You see the background is, I was trying to be the good person. I took a decision which was more emotional than cold calculated rational and went out of my way to help the client. Now 11.59 min situations... data crunching happening... no real time for quality checks coz his people from the region were breathing down his neck and he wanted the information. So I gave it to him... took shortcuts and bypassed the process and gave it to him where he needed it.
So what's happened? A few data points do not match the norms of conventional wisdom. He has come back with a ruckus on unprofessional job done, quality of service.... all nicely worded and sent to my boss in a letter.
So I have this big meeting tom where I will be questioned on why I did not choose to follow the process. I will be told exactly what I did wrong... and how have I jeopardised the relationship. I will also talk about the frantic calls I had made to the senior and my boss... which had gone unanswered... but then its my job to offer solutions and not situations. Oh... I was also on leave by the way!! After a year prolly...
My friend here had the most interesting thing to say... He listened to me patiently and said well... If your boss says tom that you went out of your way to help a guy and in the end have achieved a letter of commendable unprofessionalism and have not safeguarded the interests of your organisation as well.... she just might be right!
Lesson 1: Save your ass! Keep things you say to people in writing over mails... that is the only reason why God made emails. They will U-turn on what they said over the phone... always. Your colleagues will do it. Everyone who needs to find a scape goat will!
Lesson 2: Assert! Clients or colleagues... tell them what you can and can not do. Stop bending over your back to get someone else data in time so that he/she does not get screwed. Ensuring his happiness is not why you were born... really! Now say it 10000000000000000000 times till you believe it.
Lesson 3: No body dies. In consulting no one will die if something does not get done when they say they need it. Specially if it is a delay they caused... so relax! Go home on time. Do what you can do peacefully. Do not miss dance classes! Ever!
Lesson 4: Loop your boss. Always ensure you keep your boss in loop. Don't worry about unnecessarily flooding her inbox. Do not be considerate when you 'know' that as a boss she might never stand with or for you in a client situation. Be prepared! For a situation where you can rely on lack of feedback, support, guidance... necessary inputs... anything that dint come to you in time and that could have avoided the fuck up. LEARN TO SHARE ACCOUNTABILITY!!!!! Instead of being the 'Hey-dont-you-worry-I-am-there-for-you' IDIOT!!! (Gawwwddd I can't believe it myself now.... I mean how dumb am I!!)
Lesson 5: Pick up the art of beautifully scripting emails which can fuck people later if they do not keep their word. That is why God put you in consulting. There's got to be a reason why co'nsulting' and i'nsulting' have so much in common rt? You can not blame others for being a retard and not picking up the cues when all this was staring you in the face all the time.
Lesson 6: People are different. Vindictive. Vengeful. Destructive. Just because you can not pick up the phone and scream at someone... just because you always let people have an exit route in a confrontational conversation... just because you can never ever fuck someone's happiness by saying something nasty, mean and bad to them... just because you are always ready to give people the benefit of doubt, please don't assume they will return the favour. Its as stupid as assuming the lion will not eat you coz you happen to be vegetarian!

And maybe... just maybe tom, I will open my mouth and say what I need to say to her. I will open my mouth and tell her the 'situation' and the 'volition' and defend my turf. I am hoping I will not sulk and go dumb on her... but stay in the talk and 'talk back' like a consultant. And may be I will have a better story to tell tom.

Which movie are we watching today?

The books which have had an enormous impact on me in the recent past are 'Man's search for meaning' - Victor Frankl and 'Illusions' - Richard Bach. Frankl talks about having a vision in life... about having a goal that you'd wanna get to. He says that man is a forward looking being and always needs something to move towards. Bach talks about how to go get wiser with the world. He says that all of us live in movies of our own making. He talks about being able to look beyond the movie... the appearance... goes ahead to say that be aware... know which movie you are watching and which is the one you'd rather see. Actually for a good long time I have had Bach's ideas resonate within. They make hell lot of intuitive sense to me... but to live them has been a tad difficult. Like all wise things. :)

I believe that all one needs to be happy in life is a vision you believe in and some wisdom and you're done. They both seem to ellude me rt now. For wisdom... I know I will find all that I need to learn in the search of my own happiness. For vision... I am still looking. Yeah I know what you might say... She doesn't know what to do with life! And honestly I feel slightly guilty about it too... You know all those people who know where they are headed... know exactly what they want... I am not a part of any of these groups. I am too amorphous... malleable.

Most of my wisdom has come from love. I like to experiment with relationships and people... And I really like the character of Krishna... I have read some about him and he seems to be the only person closest to unconditional love. I would like to experience unconditional love and recieve it too. I'd like it if some one could love me like that. I still struggle to define it. But the concept always manages to give me enough food for thought. When I succeed at it partially and whenI fail at it miserably. Its been an area where success and failure have taught me equally well.

One day... some day I'd like to tell you guys about my vision too... when I can see it crystal clear... when I am done making it. I enjoy being driven. I like to feel passion... get crazy in the head. It so has to be the 'truly madly deeply' variety.

Till then... I will amuse me with the movies I make. I'll add travel and books and more books and more people to it. And may be we'll have something that can be put between the coverpages of a book!

So be it

Early morning here... not yet two. I am up and hoping to get started on work coz I have this important meeting tom at 9... Happens to be a Saturday too. But today I shall not crib about how I am working oh so hard. I am going to stop being a baby about all of this. Everyone goes through working to near death at least ones a year and so be it. My time's come.

Been a few days though that I can't listen to music. It hurts... very difficult to explain this... but I don't think I'll listen to 'Summer moved on' for a good long time to come. May be never. I can't.

My body is kicking me to get back into my exercise routine. I am looking forward to the dance class on Sunday. Dint go last time around and am still upset with myself for that.

I am just vegetating infront of the laptop most of the times and guess that's the reason why everytime I close my eyes visions flash... its like the mind comes up with innovative ways to scare me into opening my eyes shocked wide. Everytime I close my eyes I see some scary thing... its like I am playing a game in my head where I start with a nice visual... like a quiet lake with full moon at night and suddenly have snakes all over my boat... so I try change that to watching the moon from the shore and there I feel a shadow lurking behing me ... uneasy rustling sound... so I fight it and say its a friend come to sit by my side... and when I turn to look at him with a smile its an evil dead. This phase does not let me relax... can't sleep and get tired coz I need to keep my mind busy. Or it will get into the visual playing let-scare-her routine again.

So lets change the topic. Its Dad's birthday this month. Wondering what to get for him. Its a special birthday this time. The first after his surgery.

Time is flying and very soon sis will be off to NZ for studies... I am sitting here thinking how the hell am I gonna let her go. I really love her and she is one of the few people I miss really. I am so fiercely protective about her that will go and drop her off to NZ coz I wanna ensure she settles down ok there... against every body's advice.

Time passes. People come and go. Love comes and goes and in the end its just me here. If that's how its gotta be then so be it. For the time being, I'll send across the motherfucker of ze excel sheet I am working on to the visualization department inside my head! And see if they have anything scarier to get back at me. Screw them really!

Time to be you... Time to be me... Time for us together you see...

My Blog turns two months old today. :)

I love my blog. I love all people who come to it.

I catch a lot of my thoughts and put it down here. I like to think I will probably come back to this page ten years hence and smile. That I will read some of my own words and think how I have or have not changed over time... may be I'd have gone un-anonymous by then!!

:) We'll see.

Love.

If posts could kill...

I really wanna tell you guys about my roommate coz she is so mad. She is such a ludicrous specimen I can't believe it sometimes. She is a narcissistic bitch to an extent she can stand infront of the mirror for hours screaming how beautiful she is. She is just about 12 kilos overweight and her hair rivals Monica's humidity frizz. She can talk for hours and she can B.I.T.C.H! She most fervently believes she is 'intelligent'... better than me actually. And gets arrogant about things so wrong I don't know how to react to it at all at times. A stupid thing like what does 'sub-prime' mean... (low income really)... and she been going on for the last hour that its about the prime lending rate in India??? ... I am pretty sure to be able to say the three words 'prime lending rate' together is the zenith of her intellectual horizon in Business economics. Trust me there is nothing worse than dealing with arrogance for the lack of intelligence at the end of a tiring day... specially when it comes from a person who has 1.5 Lacs in debt and does not know it coz I dont think she can add up... smothers the life of me!

Get out. Get Lost. Get dead.

I am at a client site right now... have been here for two days now. I hate my office but honestly I'd give an arm and a leg to go back to that place. Never thought I'd say this... but its a better hell!!

I have worked like a dog the last week, having to be in office on Dushehra and the Saturday. Sunday just flew by and its not my fav days of the week anyway! The Monday blues get to me too soon. I either get depressed or start working from Sunday itself coz I am sressed, dreading the Monday.

So essentially I have slept at 3 yesterday morning. Have been in this alien place since 9... Its almost 6 in the eve and I am just half way through. And the client is a bitch who keeps reiterating the smallest details she has shared about her organisation and how I keep slipping over those. The fact that she has been working here for three friggin years and I saw the organisation chart just today morning has no bearing! So every hour or so she goes.... "But this is what I told you in the first meeting... But you remember? I had mentioned it when we discussed that subfunction under this discipline remember?.... But don't you remember I had scribbled these now-irrelevant-to-the-discussion details illegibly on one corner of your notebook... But this is what I have been saying from the very start no... that you need to make sense of an organisation structure under transition rt now, for which I have given you all the details, but myself have no clarity, but will get sarcastic and act smarty pants if you can't figure it out like this is what you were born for... But...." like her very own big fat butt!!! ...

And I hate back aches when I am working. The best part is it won't end here... I have a cumpulsory-to-attend fun office party in the evening. The last thing I want right now is my nastier-cousin-of-cruella-the-wicked-witch boss, who again is worse than her 2 million tons ass (how on earth can one eat so much!!) and corny jokes!! And the main course is this 'thing' where everyone in the team is supposed to write one thing they admire about everyone else... it'll all be collated and circulated to all... So no wonder why I am the only one whose inputs will prolly never go. I might just start like, 'Dear M, I really like how your agreession bordering-on abrasive-and-abusive manages to get people to do your work on time and get it out of the way so they don't have to speak to you.' or 'Dear N, I like the fact that you still manage to have some friends coz you see I have found myself increasingly incapable of talking to you as your conversations numb my brain to a cauliflower.' or 'Wow!! that fake accent of yours... you did fool me for the first ten minutes you know!!' .... you get the drift rt?

Blah!

Kill me!

(What) To be or (What) not to be

I have this place inside me. Its a place I visit in dire situations. I just go inside and say these lines ... "I need help. So please help me." and I get the response... "I am right here, tell me." I like this place. I like the friend I find there too.
These are times when lonliness somehow just gets to me. I find that I am unable to explain to most who and how I really am. And I wonder... is it really so difficult?

I like people. I grow through them. I like meeting and talking to them coz I like to know their stories. I learn from them.
I am very cautious about sharing mine. Hardly any know the truth, the whole truth... I don't like talking about my past. It does not serve any purpose.
"I am too lazy to hold a grudge" - Sid (Ice age 1). Loved that guy in the movie... loved his line. And found one day... damn! that's so me. I can't hold a grudge no matter how hard I try. I can't remember most times why I fought with someone. Its not a good thing because others do and they don't appreciate it when you go back to them smiling and behaving like nothing happened they feel I am taking them for granted or for a ride. No one wants to believe that I am just plain stupid and I forgot.
I take risks... biiiiig emotional risks. Some pay off... some don't. No matter how bad it hurts, you will mostly find me picking up the phone and talking to people first. I believe that people need to communicate. Everyone wants one thing over everything else... they need to be understood. They need to feel you listened to them without any agenda and take their words just as they mean em... with no added flavor. I like to give people this chance. Irony is most don't take it coz they just don't believe they have one ever.
I believe in second chances. I think they bring the best gifts life has to offer. They reinstate the faith that one can make things work and that its ok to fail the first time. My mom wanted an abortion when she was carrying me... I so would not have been on the planet but for the one I got!
I think too much.
I love to laugh. I hate my job mostly because there is no time left for fun. Everyone's cribbing and losing their temper and being sadists and calling clients names... the one girl I thought was funny only cribs now. I just shut up and stuff my ears with headphones!! Thank God for Violet.
I like to love. And its very puzzling sometimes to see how much people resist being loved. At times I have asked people to let me love them, just the way I want to. And that they can just be. I don't want anything else. And they all go out of their way to prove to me how it will not work. How suddenly everything assumes an agenda. And I fail to explain to them that its very very simple. Love is very simple. No harm meant... but then its difficult to trust someone who may love you just like that!
I cannot unlove people. Once loved, they always stay loved. It was never love, if it died rt? I would like all of them... the ones who walk with me (I am so grateful to God for them, few but enough)... the ones who walked some distance sometime... all of them to know I will always love them.
I can die for people I love... ok ok I know this sounds filmy. But I have tested my altruistic traits and have always come one up. I love doing things for people I love... I like surprising them with small gestures... my love is very effervescent! If you don't allow me to express it, it gets stifled. It gets depressing. I love hugs... the spontaneous kisses. Probably its this damn altruistic idiocy, that makes me think about how bad the other is feeling and think about my own self later! T says my empathetic tendencies will be the death of me one day.
I hate sarcasm. I don't like the kind of people who make others feel bad about themselves... This is the only thing that can kill my love, temporarily. I can't be with people who need to suck positivity out of others to stay happy themselves. I can't be with someone who'd put all those words together to make me feel how I was so pathetic at something, how I din't make the cut and hence how I am not supposed to be a part of the elite... I am very scared of such things coz more often than not I will believe them. I trust people implicitly when I love them and their words, if casually used can really hurt coz I will believe whatever they say about me. Sanity will prevail... after some time and good amount of effort. In time I'll understand their reasons as well... I actually wait for the day I can smile again when thinking of what I'd felt earlier. And I am ready to be friends again coz I know why they may have done whatever they did. Like I said... can't hold a grudge.

I don't know how much of the above is good for me... and how much should be changed. I get really confused sometimes. I land myself in a vulnerable situation more often than not and I find people taking the satisfaction of knowing they din't come back first. I find people seeing this as a sign of weakness... being unable to understand that its something that just happened, lets learn from it and move on. They can't see that I am asking them to tell me what I did wrong and that I will really listen to them and implement it. They can't see that I am willing to listen first before being listened to. More often, I wouldn't expect them to listen at all.

There is just one relationship I have, where all this has been done and it has worked beautifully. Its my most cherished relationships rt now. And I so hope to God it stays that way. I turn to it for faith and friendship very often. It makes me believe that such a bond can exist. It gives me hope. It is one place in this planet where I can make my mistakes... be me... and I know I will not be given up on. Reaffirms my faith in my own soul.
Like someone says... when you feel lonely and an outsider, all you need to remember is that you haven't found your family yet! I have one in my family now... with me that makes it two. And I like large families... Here's to hoping in some time soon... I'll find another and then another one of my kin.

Nostalgia...

is something I've been having a lot lately. Its Dushehra today. The whole country is on leave and I am sitting in office trying to go through the career ladder framework of a client. Apart from other stuff... which is enough to expand and fill all time available including the weekend. Its October and we officially enter the 'Killathon' months. People will soon start walking on all fours in office... everyone's bending over the back.

I am missing home today. And that just does not mean Pune. I am missing the times when I looked forward to these times of the year with impatient yearning. I looked forward to taking the rickety bus ride to Kanpur from Raebareli ... the seemingly endless waiting till all the activities building upto those final moments would end and the joy ride begin.

I am missing the excitement of wearing new clothes... and how Mom would so many times buy dress material and stitch clothes for us... we could not afford the fancy clothes in those big shops but Mom more than made up for it. The sweets that women in the house made... and our attempts at stealing the yummies from the big aluminium jars. We were not to eat them till the Pooja was over... the Gods had to be offered the goodies before the greedy demons could be satisfied. Nevertheless we almost always got to them before Ganesha did.

And the final moments... the grandeur of the huge parks where the 'Ravana' effigy would be erected... it took months to make and was a clandestine activity... not to be seen till the very last day possibly. There always is a fierce competition between various areas in the city on whose Mr Bad is the best... there are bets riding on the results. And thousands of rupees go into making and erecting the effigy which then burns after 'Bhagwan Ram' shoots a burning arrow through its navel!

The end result was we'd wait with baited breathe for the one in our pada or nagar to come out... and unanimously believed we were the best in the whole of Kanpur. So finally the day would come... the house would be in utter chaos with everyone asking everyone else to do everything and then finally... by noon time people would have bathed, clothed and ready for the pooja (several hours late ofcourse) ... the songs hymns would be sung, a diya lit in every room of the house, second round of pooja and finally would come the time when we could eat. The kitchen would spout pooris, chhole, raita, halwa... till one could not eat any more. The elders would take respite in siesta and we would run out to have a look at all the preparations going on everywhere.

The evening was when we all got ready with coercion or cajoling. We wore our clothes and waited till the adults managed to do the same and then all would set out for the bada maidan. I remember how amazing the shops selling paani puri, khasta puri, chhole samosa, you-name-it-they-had-it assortment of eatables looked. The wooden thelas (platform on wheels) carrying the local fizzy drink called 'Kancha' (Marbles) which was such a rage then... It was called kancha coz they sealed the bottle neck with a marble... And you had to pop it in to the bottle to drink. I remember knowing I probably had just about ten rupees in all to spend and always came back home with money still left coz I just could not decide in God's name what to eat and what to sacrfice.

We would all gather on Rajjan Chacha's roof top and watch the aatishbaazi competition (Fireworks) ... we'd just keep asking... 'Ma rawan kab jalega... bolo... ab kitni der ho gayi hai?' and granny would tell us the muhurt had not come yet! damn... how much waiting had one to do in this whole Dushehra business... painful!

Finally the muhurt would come... and it seemed like everyone in the park, which had people in thousands would know somehow... the rath (open carriage) carrying Mr Ram would make its way through the crowds towards the Ravana... oh and I forgot to tell you... the statues erected were really really tall... anywhere between 80 to 120 feet, held up with ropes etc...I have pictures as a kid standing next to one just about reaching the curvy tip of Mr Ravana's fancy red shoe.

So Mr Ram would then take out his bow and arrow, light its tip and aim. The public would start roaring and much to everyone's delight Mr Ram would miss... It obviously would take several attempts before a Bindra happened... in fact many a times it would be the ropes, the dry grass around the statue doused with diesel catching fire that came to Mr Ram's embarrassing rescue.

Finally it would begin... the MOMENT that all had been waiting for would begin... the effigy would burn and the fire crackers and bombs inside would blast... so a head went off here and we'd go Haaaaaeeeeeyyyyyyy and a limb blew there and heeeeeaaaaaaaayyyyyyy.... It was crazy, deafening and wild and it lasted... they stuffed them Ravans with so much ammunition the damn thing could easily go on for ten minutes... the flames rose up up and up and we could feel the heat even from so far off. I still remember my ears would buzzzzz for some time afterwards.

And then we'd get off and run... run back home coz we'd want to see the thing repeat at the Shastri Nagar Ramlila grounds... You see this was our pada and they never failed to be late, drunk and clumsy while erecting the statue... the head fell off two hours before the final event once. The joke was it must have had some too. We were always sure no matter what the muhurt be.... Shastri Nagar will go off only once we reach there. And then the crazy began again! Wo-a-ha!

So you know exactly how I am feeling alone in an office for 50... remembering the times when ThumsUp was 2.5 Rs for a 500 ml bottle... when we'd rent 'Billu and Pinki' and 'Chacha Chowdhary' comics for 50 paise and played bare foot, barely clothed on the roads in hot summer days, hardly feeling a thing. When we bought kampat toffee (in case you are wondering... this is the Indian version of compacts... the sugar candies mostly of orange flavor) 10 for 10 paise. I now think I was stupid for ever wanting to grow up.

Gung ho!

Today's story is dedicated to women I have known over the past year... from all walks of life. So be it a conversation I overheard at the massage parlour where two friends were talking about masturbating in the shower with an enlivened enthusiasm that was just so refershing! Its been long due that women in this country could be sexually experimental and be happy with it. Just happy... not guilty, or have an overboard I-left-my-bra-at-home attitude. Just be simply happy.

Take the lady who stayed in this flat before me. She took control of life, got onto shaadi.com, cherry picked 5 men and as she had the house to herself... tested the sexual prowess of every single one of them before deciding on which one to go for. She said that it was very essential for her to get along with 'the man' in bed and there was no way in hell she was giving up on that.

On a different note, my lady cook can make it to any of those women empowerment stories in the magazines. She with her meagre income, in 7 years that she has spent in Bombay washing utensils, clothes and cooking at homes, she now owns a flat in a far corner of the city. Its not long before civilisation and malls will creep up on her property and she is waiting, biding her time. Its commendable coz in terms of returns its definitely better than my systematic investment plans and equity holdings which prolly stand no where given the share market melt down! Oh by the way... its time to cherry pick the stock market too coz you may never get such a pick at such price... deeply undervalued and how! And I digress. So I was saying... my maid has three sons, runs the house, and supports their education as well. Swell rt?

Her dedication to her work and family is nothing short of inspiring. Here you have a lady, who works hard, manages her and her husband's money, better than most of my educated MBA friends and is always there on time at my place every day with a smile! Never a crib about life or how unfair its been. Always full of ideas on how to do things better... She taught me a thing or two about managing my kitchen! She takes her work very seriously and I have never seen her enthusiasm abate. She is never lazy, never lies or steals and is all for positive conversation. The one thing she worries about is if her children will grow up ok and be good people.

I feel like a sham sometimes... with all these worries and problems of mine. I am reminded of how much I have... from a small thing like never to have to bathe in a public bathroom to being able to eat anything I want anytime. Sounds so simple rt? Things we take for granted.

Take my cleaning maid now. She left her abusive husband and lives on her own now, supporting her son and his education. The family I saw at the signal that day... 3 girls in tattered clothes with their mother waiting to cross the signal. Every single one of them with a school bag. I felt my heart swell at the thought that they dint choose to beg on that signal. Its an easy choice, on the surface perhaps. Life must not be easy and I loved the fact that somewhere that woman with them had not given up.

And so came the thought. Life is all about choices. Heard it already? Several times? But then how many really put this to use. Its about focussing on what you want, rather than what you don't. Its about all those values we were taught as kids but we learnt to scoff at without seeing the real merit in them. The simple thing like be grateful for what you have. That things like integrity, honesty, enthusiasm, living each day to your highest sense of right... are timeless and don't change no matter how many centuries go by.
But then! pride takes over and you don't want to accept you could have been wrong all this while, and yourself responsible for all the crap to come your way. The virtue of being a rebel in the short run becomes higher than that of being a better human in the long... labelling all others as conformist approval junkies.
But then! misery is such an intoxicating potion! What better than to feel you are the wronged one! And therefore the hero... the suffering martyr... the one making the sacrifices! having a finger to point always knowing exactly who did it this time!

Looking at these people around me brings me back to mother earth. It reminds me to stop being so un-bloody-hinged all the time and get my act together. And I am so grateful to the powers that be... that I always manage to be around positive souls... I still have my moodier moments... but then if there is one thing I have always managed to find, its inspiration. And these common men and women are my heroes... I need go no further.

Stayin Alive...

I have just joined Ashley Lobo's Dance Works for classes in Street Jazz and it already seems like the best thing I have done in the whole year!!
The dance teacher is hot... for a good time I was just so checking her out... I mean that ass!! Its like sweet-cake-just-out-of-oven-you-want-it-all-but-can't-eat-it-hot! Soopah! And that attitude she throws on the dance floor had people revved up and ready... The way she'd just flip her body like there was a hinge where the waist is... I wasn't blinking much when she did her piece on the floor! And before you get any ideas... I am very much for the Dicky Fox variety (Invert that name for a better picture!)
So as I was saying... the class has everything... the ballet, the rock, the groove, the move... and -look-at-your-self-in-the-mirror-and-touch-your-ass stuff! She had people opening up and using their bodies in the first class!
And the best part is yet to come... She complimented me on my walk, my style and that I picked up so fast... I almost had a happiness heart attack down there.
The class was 2 hours!! And the next one's for 3. I won't prolly be walking tomorrow with all that walk I had today... and the next monday either! But hell... who cares! I'd go just to see that bunch of teaching studs... peforming a flip, jump and a complete spilt on the floor with split second precision! Spiritual.
The group is eclectic too... A guy Kathakali Dancer (trained for 7 years) and a woman Kathak dancer (trained for 10 years)... Woaha! The youngest is in 7th grade and most adults in the group are bankers! The hot instructor is pursuing Physics... and well... remembers my name in a group of 35 after the first class... licking my paws? Showing off? Yessir I am!
To cut a long story short, "Yippee!" I love life rt now.

Its chemical!

I have been vacillating between writing the ludicrous story and the morbid one. Contrary to the usual, I'll go with the zany.

Our Senior Secondary chemistry teacher had 2 of his lower front teeth missing and had to often use his tongue in weird ways to be able to say several words. The toughest ones were those having any thing to do with the alphabet 'F' . He almost always ensured we never got any learning done in his class. So when his own son flunked Chemistry in the boards we were all sympathy and somehow... not surprised! Mr Singh had been single handedly responsible for just about all the happiness there was at school. He was our beloved Fofessor who just 'F'ed too much with his mouth!

He inspired this short script (imaginary ofcourse) dedicated to those good old times! The words are written as they ought to be pronounced in the above context! Actually its a direct inspiration from a 'die with laughter' real time conversation sequence that happened in class. Ok... now the story:

(The scene opens. Lola is sitting on a large mahogany desk placed at the far end of the large rectangular room poring over a file... her professor is standing close to one of the several bookshelves that line the walls of the room. He is choosing a book for his student, among the many leather bound volumes lined up on the shelves... too close and tight...)

Lola: Fofessor, I am just not being able to Furk through the thing... Can you please Furk with me?
Fofessor: ....Astounded expression on face... "What?"
Lola: What happened? I am asking to you to Furk a little... that's all! You can do that for me rt?
Fofessor: Are you asking me to fuck you?
Lola: You're fout of your freaking mind... I dont fant a fuck! All I came here for was Furk!
Fofessor: Yes or No! You just sounded like you wanted a fuck!
Lola: Flease Fofessor, what do you mean I am fsounding like? All I am saying is that.... I.. I am furking and you are furking and that's all... I mean furk... yeah furk... Oh damn I mean I am trying furking hard here... very hard!!
Fofessor: Okay!! Hard it is then! Very!
Lola: Oh no!! What the fuck do I do!!?
Fofessor: Me!
....Lets get it started yeah
Lets get it started in here...

Ok fine... I got a lil carried away. But then... this is my blog now isn't it? MY BLOG? Psycho!

Hues

Have you ever felt a piece of music fill your soul and make you warm within... spread in you and end in a smile on your face? As the notes unravel and fill you... you are in a state of joy... nourishing bliss.
Have you ever heard someone talk to you, say the things deep within you in just as many words and so simply that you were shocked? And then it hurt, so much that you cried. For this person knew what you'd been all about for a good time now... and said it so simply the beauty made you wince with pain.
Have you ever looked at the rain or the sun... sitting alone in a room somewhere... thinking about some other place and time when it rained the same... or the sun was just this bright..just this warm... and you felt filled with longing to go back. For you longed not for what felt unchanged but what was different then.
Have you seen the clouds lately and how they change color? Or the color of tea, hot and steaming in your cup? People's faces in a train, bus or on a signal... speaking volumes. And that silence can be very uncalming sometimes.
Emptiness when something does not get closure. I know I have to go back to all those places, people... see it all again. I have to walk the same roads, try look for the trees that were, climb those stairs and if possible, get into that house and touch those walls again. They will have new people, different faces living there now. I'd like to gather all that's mine... spread out both arms and gather it within and walk back. I'd like to take the story to its closure... complete it. And breathe.