And the story goes....

You see... they say the beginning is an end and the end a beginning. So this 'starter' is dedicated to me. I hope the flavour is to your liking... dear reader. One may think to blog would be to want to say something to the world. This one is to communicate better with the so many other 'me's in my head.

If I had a wish to be granted today... I would want to be able to remember laughing a lot more... having more friends, breaking ups and making ups and learning to dance (this one's the top of the list).

My lonely existence has given me gift... of day dreaming or imagination, euphemistically speaking. It keeps me company... all the time. Fiction is closer to reality so much so that if there was a man named 'what if...' he'd be my soul mate. And for the sake of the relationship I wouldn't risk getting married to him.

The one question that has been on my mind a lot lately is... "Why am I here?" "What am I to do with the seemingly infinite time I've been given?" "what is my passion?" what is that one thing that reverberates within my being with so much force that it empties everything out. That there are no thoughts, no needs, no feelings of unfulfilled so much. Just that one thing and then there is bliss... sounds so much like an orgasm.

An excerpt of a conversation with me:
Q:"what am I good at?"
A:Nothing. Because there is nothing like good or bad. Everything just is.

Q:"Oh come on!!... there has to be something!! Some shit that gives me what they call 'meaning to life'?...
A: There is nothing like that. You need to create a meaning out of your life. You choose. At any point what your life is going to be.

Q: Swell!! What if I am not creative enough? I want to know what is it that I do well? Something that I can teach someone else... that kinda good.
A: (.......Silence)

Q: Oh I know!!... I am good with blow jobs!! (flippant remark... lets see what she has to say now!!)
A: The existing system around you may not be comfortable with prolific use of these skills.

Q: I feel lost. I dread my weekends. I feel guilty for spending money on books and movies. Help me.
A: System alert: such behaviour may result in excess dependance on people or job. Need for positvity may cause manipulative behaviour. may result in statements made which cause embarassment later. A flighty state of mind will cause you to overlook crucial political events around you, resulting in strengthening your image as a good hearted street un-wise person. may interfere with your impressions of an effective individual and professional. Could result in another increment lower than the going rate of inflation next year.

Angry retort: I want to quit on this system. I want to 'live like animals... careless and free (like animals) I want to live... I want to run through the jungle with wind in my hair and the sand at my feeeeeeeeeet'.

A lot of talk.... no answers.