Rehabilitation

Okay... It is really tough right now. I am taking one hour at a time. Planning things to do every hour, so I do not have to think about 'those we shall not speak of'.
Its gut wrenching. I feel real physical pain where the heart is. It hurts like mad. I emotionally double up with pain.
The good news is I am doing it. I have managed it for the 6 + hours that I have been awake since morning. Its some time points in the day that I am particularly scared of. 9:30 AM, 2:00 PM and 6:30 PM. I am terrified of 6:30 PM. Its that point of the day, when I know that I am going to be on my own for the evening and lonliness is at its best dressed for the party ahead. Oh man! the games the mind can play... the excuses it can come up with to make just one call. It can come up with the most creative reasons for that one phone call. If nothing works... then the emotional red card of... "I just want to hear his voice... just one time"... Its like telling yourself that you will have just one more injection of the most potent mood uplifting drug you have ever had in life... just one and thats it.
The truth is it doen not work. You can't ever stop at just one.
So I have till this time, stayed with my mind. The poor thing needs help. I have been telling it that its the thoughts that control our emotions and emotions control us... like this deep need I can feel within rt now.
I have been telling it that love never means having to hold on to. It does not say anywhere that because I chose to love you, you have to love me back. It does not say that you have to do X, Y and Z in order to make me happy, because you love me rt? I can't hold a gun to anyone's head to ensure my happiness.
Someone wise has said: 'Do not fall apart again and again. It becomes a habit. Practice being put together instead.'

Okay. One step at a time. Just one step.