Reading for the week

I love classics. And Jane Austen rocks! I have just finished reading Persuasion and its been a fab read. The characters are brilliant and the simplicity with which Austen finely sketches the follies of human character, her astuteness and subtlety in bringing forth the silliness of our very many egomaniacal concerns, the narcissism that people with wealth and education offer suffer with, is just exceptionally endearing.

I have been impatient while reading a book and its happened after a long time... I was unable to take my mind off the plot... I was just as interested in what all other characters were doing as were the main leads. The fact that I'd know people very much like those characters in my life today is a trifle astonishing and I exclaimed several times 'What's new!' through the pages of a book written almost 200 years ago!

The same prejudices of race, birth, money are all just as alive today as they were then. It is just as often that the real merit of character slips from our fingers in an attempt to hold on to all that glitters!

If you do read the book, please pay special attention to the character of Mary. She is Anne's younger sister and it is through her that Austen has been able to so succulently bring about that nuantic perceptiveness of human foibles she is most famous for.

I am proud to say that with this one, I now own a collection of and have read all of Austen's work. The next focus point is 'Jane Eyre' by Charlotte Brontë, which I have been meaning to read after the seductive BBC book adaptation series that ran it on Zee Studio a few months ago. I truly liked the whole series so much I wished they'd never stop.

To change the flavour in between, I am also managing to be thoroughly engrossed by the management book called 'Hard Facts, Dangerous half-truths and Total nonsense: profiting by evidence-based management' by Pfeffer and Sutton. Pfeffer is God is all that I'll say, when it comes to management wisdom. I know of people who have his videos on their facebook profiles! Now you see!

This is one management book that has managed to make me laugh while I was reading it and think deeply (I'll acknowledge that this is a challenge for me most times... ) too. A very good read for anyone who wants to gain brownie points by talking sense in the next department meeting, specially if they involve discussions on hiring consultants or process improvement initiatives! Most other books in this field have not managed to hold my attention beyond 3.5 chapters... that'd explain the grades in B-School too now, that I think of it.

Anyway, I'll try and get some work done too this week to deserve the salary they are paying me. I hope you all have a good week ahead too!

Grazzie Mille

I have a stupid lil something called a counter at the bottom of my blog and it touched 1000 today. So as the title says in italian... a thousand thanks... to all who have come and shared this journey with me.

I am reading this book called 'eat pray love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. This is the book that inspired that small paragraph in a post a couple of posts ago. The story is about a woman who goes through a messy divorce, relationship shit etc etc to embark on a journey for a year. She decides she will go to Italy for four months and learn Italian. Then she will go to India and spend 4 months in an Ashram of her spiritual guru. The last 4 months of her journey will be spent in Bali, with a 9th generation medicine man... who'd once read her palm and told her she will come back to Bali. This explains the sequence of the words in the title of book as well...

So I am in Italy rt now now... and learning Italian with her. Till now my fav word as well as hers is Attraverisiamo... meaning Lets cross over. Its very symbolic for where I am rt now... this year, so few months old tho, has already brought in changes I never thought I'll see.

Other favourites are:
Perfetto: Perfect
Caro mio: My dear
Vaffunculo: Go fuck yourself!!! I have been saying this under my breath so many times in the day... its just the most delicious way of saying go fuck yourself!
Figolo Di Mignotta: Sun of a bitch
Stronzo: Shithead
Cafone: Asshole!

Some other interesting phareses are che bordello and che casino... which essentially means 'what a friggin' mess!!'. Hmmm... that rings a bell too now doesn't it? :)

I think its pretty okay that to celebrate my blog hitting the mille mark, I have tought you some cuss words in italian... A man once told me that was the best way to start learning a language. Shall keep you updated if I find any more jewels in the pages ahead, caro mios.

The showdown

Somewhere late last night I finally had the showdown that had been coming for some time... with my mind:

Me: I need to know why is it that you dredge out the worst of the memories for me at the most opportune moments? It really bothers me.
The M: Well... that's just me. I am a sick bastard.
Me: Well... I'd like to tell you that its not helping. At all.
The M: I do what I do.
Me: I'd like you to stop.
The M: I get bored. What do I do then?
Me: Stay quiet, for a change.
The M: That's boring.
Me: And 'boring' would be an insult to your existence rt?
The M: Yes
Me: Well I am bored too. Of your antics. Of the same repeated shows of failure, desolation and fear etc etc etc... that you keep playing for me. I am fine. I am doing fine. Absolutely. I don't know why you are always trying to convince me that my world is all wrong and that everything will seem like a teen slasher flick, bloodier and ghorier by the miniute! I don't understand why I have to believe that everyone hates me or will eventually end up hating me, someday.
The M: I give it to you because you want it.
Me: So I am telling you I am done!
... I don't remember much of what was said on both sides later, I was drifting in and out of sleep and shutting out very many distraction too... the Mr Mind here does a good job of deviating from the topic, when put in a tight spot. But I do remember sensing exhaustion on the other side. Not surprising, given that my head is a super duper production house of all kinds of drama items.

For whatever it was worth I slept well and am feeling much better today. I have smiled much and cracked a few good jokes since morning. Its the middle of the week and I'd like to keep this going. Mr Mind and I have just now planned a celebration too, if we reach the end of the week without a serious incident. Hope you have a good day and week too.

Rehabilitation

Okay... It is really tough right now. I am taking one hour at a time. Planning things to do every hour, so I do not have to think about 'those we shall not speak of'.
Its gut wrenching. I feel real physical pain where the heart is. It hurts like mad. I emotionally double up with pain.
The good news is I am doing it. I have managed it for the 6 + hours that I have been awake since morning. Its some time points in the day that I am particularly scared of. 9:30 AM, 2:00 PM and 6:30 PM. I am terrified of 6:30 PM. Its that point of the day, when I know that I am going to be on my own for the evening and lonliness is at its best dressed for the party ahead. Oh man! the games the mind can play... the excuses it can come up with to make just one call. It can come up with the most creative reasons for that one phone call. If nothing works... then the emotional red card of... "I just want to hear his voice... just one time"... Its like telling yourself that you will have just one more injection of the most potent mood uplifting drug you have ever had in life... just one and thats it.
The truth is it doen not work. You can't ever stop at just one.
So I have till this time, stayed with my mind. The poor thing needs help. I have been telling it that its the thoughts that control our emotions and emotions control us... like this deep need I can feel within rt now.
I have been telling it that love never means having to hold on to. It does not say anywhere that because I chose to love you, you have to love me back. It does not say that you have to do X, Y and Z in order to make me happy, because you love me rt? I can't hold a gun to anyone's head to ensure my happiness.
Someone wise has said: 'Do not fall apart again and again. It becomes a habit. Practice being put together instead.'

Okay. One step at a time. Just one step.

I think my colour is purple rt now

I have broken up. And its really hard. This is not going to be a post which makes one go awww. I hope it will make you see the way I do though.
I am not bitter, angry or bitter... to drive the point home. I have invested several years in this thing. And in the end I have decided that I will not be a victim of my own love.
The truth is that there is unbearable pain sometimes. There is amazing frustration of not having someone around who completely gets you. I feel like I stand here at the end of 27 years... not having anyone with a complete understanding of an unabridged version of FR. I feel lonely. Yes I do.
But everytime there is a voice within that tells me... hey guess what I know. I know everything and I will love you reckless till the end of times. It makes me grateful for the fact that there are two people, slowly growing old and mellow at home who wait for me. I want them to know they will always have me.
I think it was for this love that I will actually walk this path alone and be ok with it. There is a difference in being alone and being lonely. I choose to be alone.
The need within to show my pain and see that understanding in someone's eyes is very strong. I don't need pity. I just would like to tell me story and know that another soul can make sense of the language I speak in. Till then, I'd be happy to go look in the mirror every time I feel this. I read this in a book lately, that has come to mean a lot to me:

.... somewhere from within me rises a now familiar voice, offering me all the certainities I always wished another person would offer me when I was troubled:
" I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you. If you need the medication again, go ahead and take it - I will love you through that, as well. If you don't need medication I will love you, too. There is nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than depression and I am braver than lonliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.

So its begun. Wish me luck. I am hoping to do well. Through the black nights and stubborn cynicism, the cold I feel within and sometimes this whole feeling that I can't feel a thing. I would like to stop scribbling I'm cynical in my notebook. I'd like to be able to trust again. I'd like this voice in my head to stop predicting exactly how everything's gonna go wrong. I'd like to start feeling again. I'd like to feel enthusiasm. I'd like to go back to being the person who brought energy in the room she entered. I'd like to smile often. So here it is... the list of things I'd like rather than the ones I hate rt now.

Did I say wish me luck?

Blue has many shades

Life's been busy. The room in my head, where I live has seen some changes. Some additions... some deletions. A lot's happened, if you wanna know that is :). I got a new job. I am happy about the fact that I am not in the old one anymore... Being happy about the new one is an awaited possibility. Lets hope for the best.
I have been struggling against writing. Every day for the past some weeks I have lived sentences which I have not come put down here because I have not been sure. I started this blog with a purpose and that goal dissolved in time somewhere. And suddenly I was not sure of what I should write about. The fog's lifted and the answer is simple. I am just as confused but that does not mean that I don't write. So we move on... the blog lives.
The recent happenings have made life seem like its all whizzed past besides me. Sister's left for NZ for studies... Ma and Pa have learnt to video chat on skype. Ma has turned out to be the undiscovered internet genius in our family. Dad's not far behind. We all were running for the 'who cries the most"after" sis leaves' trophy and not surprisingly Dad won. Fathers do have a soft corner for their daughters, specially younger ones with a great sense of humour.
My bit of the story in all this is that I love her. I am crazy about this woman God gave me as my younger sister and hence put in special effort to fish out all her snaps from childhood out today. Mom and I have picked out some brilliant ones from there (funny hair, gawky posture, bushy eye brows, retarded smile) and I shall be posting them on a social networking site soon.
The new job's fine rt now... I am two inches apart still from hitting crazy. I was wondering why is it that I got this fantastic share of drama in my life... in the last organisation people were dying because the lazy humongous ass of my boss wouldn't work. And this guy I am with now wants a Nobel prize for initiatives in HR, if they ever have any for this notorious function. So work I shall have to.
Another slightly irritating aspect is the passion flowing in people for the company. I have really seen people with eyes brimming etc when they talk about the company. So no surprise I am extremely uncomfortable. I even checked the watercooler to see if some drug was being passed on to them here... Its a pharma company this time around.
The last organisation had no culture. This one's got too much and you've to join the madness or you are out! I am doing fine generally ... its just that everytime someone says 'our values here are such that....' I just wanna reach out over the table and slap them and say fuck you! Lets hope we can get by without an incident like that for some time.
Hope all is well elsewhere on blogosphere.

ps: ever wonder why all the words like fuck, suck, schmuck, muck, yuck, chuck, duck (in cricket .. and like in a sitting duck) etc rhyme with luck..? eh? :)