The river's waiting for rains

Its been some time that I wrote and the break has made me realise how much I love writing... I missed being able to write so very often.

I battle fear of failure, yet another bout but this one's kinda solid that it refuses to melt away now for some good time. I have been trying hard to rise up in the conscious realm and ask myself where the fuck does this come from again and again. There are days when it seems to be the single driving force in life and then days when it paralyses me out of any action possible. It gets very exhausting to live life like a yo-yo... I feel like a pendulum wanting to just stay and swinging in one direction to other... being able to feel that peace of being centered for a small time before realising oh no... I am swinging again!

I just decided to write about it because I am not being able to talk about it to any person living. I am not being able to tell someone I am so afraid inside its wrecking havoc and I don't really know why I am scared. I'd want to be able to say it to someone who will listen to me and just be there... let me be afraid and be ok with it. And not send across that vibes of being impatient with the whole thing but just be there. I guess that person will have to be me.

'It ain't brave if you're not afraid'... so we'll see where it all ends. Ideas are forming and some vague answers pouring in from different levels inside me as I talk to you here... let me go mull over some and hopefully get a good night's sleep.