There is blood on the streets tonight

I am sitting here infront of the TV. Taj is burning. Oberoi is burning. People are held hostage inside both these places. More than 60 people have died. 200 injured. Hospitals are making an appeal for blood. Attacks in 25 places. And its just going on... every minute a new blast... or some firing.
I am crying. I can't tell in words how this makes me feel... what this does to me. I feel like they are in my house, burning things I love and I feel so helpless. I have a stupid wish rt now. I want a Bruce Willis for my city. I want someone to come and kill all these people or just somehow lock them up somewhere. A friend's father has not come home and I am so numb inside I don't know what to do. Or say.
They are throwing grenades from Taj. They have attacked a hospital.
For the life of me will someone please tell me when did terrorism solve anything? Will someone tell me one example of it working? Will someone tell me how does one kill? Will someone tell me how does it make sense to kill someone who dint do you any harm.... never meant it.... someone who is just going home to kids. What do you need to be to take a hand grenade in hand and hurl it at women and children? Will someone please tell me how does one take a gun at hand and open fire?
I can;t sleep. I want to sleep and I can't. I want to scream really.... I want to fall on my knees and pray. I just want to do anything to make this stop because dear God I can't understand this. I feel so sad because they may have just killed the spirit I love in this city I call home and proudly so. I feel sad because its going to be a long time I am going to feel safe in my own home again. Long itme before I walk out of the door not dreading something bad. I have lost my freedom.... my ability to walk the roads of this place at night... trying to find me in its spirit. I want to go ask the Thackereys if the attackers asked who was a north indian or maharashtrian before killing them. It dint matter when they entered Leopold and opened fire.... How will I ever go there and not remember this? They killed people at Metro... I have memories there... I have outside Taj and looked at it with a smile... proud. I don't know if its still gonna be there tom. There is a car bomb explosion near vile parle flyover... There is firing at JW Marriott in Juhu... I used to live close by... Firing at Borivali. I can't take it any more.

The river's waiting for rains

Its been some time that I wrote and the break has made me realise how much I love writing... I missed being able to write so very often.

I battle fear of failure, yet another bout but this one's kinda solid that it refuses to melt away now for some good time. I have been trying hard to rise up in the conscious realm and ask myself where the fuck does this come from again and again. There are days when it seems to be the single driving force in life and then days when it paralyses me out of any action possible. It gets very exhausting to live life like a yo-yo... I feel like a pendulum wanting to just stay and swinging in one direction to other... being able to feel that peace of being centered for a small time before realising oh no... I am swinging again!

I just decided to write about it because I am not being able to talk about it to any person living. I am not being able to tell someone I am so afraid inside its wrecking havoc and I don't really know why I am scared. I'd want to be able to say it to someone who will listen to me and just be there... let me be afraid and be ok with it. And not send across that vibes of being impatient with the whole thing but just be there. I guess that person will have to be me.

'It ain't brave if you're not afraid'... so we'll see where it all ends. Ideas are forming and some vague answers pouring in from different levels inside me as I talk to you here... let me go mull over some and hopefully get a good night's sleep.

Dreams unlimited

So as I said its been a phase when there's been a lot of thinking happening. Its always happening with me but now there seems to be a renewed effort to take it in the brighter direction. And there is tremendous scope for improvement... but as someone said... you won't get to the big victory unless you celebrate the small ones on the way.

As I get to these elusive goals of life, I have had some small victories, some beautiful moments with me that I will like to celebrate with you here. Mid last week, the work stress was getting to me and I went for a stroll around the building. Nothing busts that uneasy feeling for me like a walk or sleep. I sat down on the ledge under one of the trees and for some time thoughts were like the shadows of the leaves above... shimmering, blurring in front ... no finite shape... undefined.

And then from somewhere an idea came... for some reason I was taken back to all the major instances of my career with this organisation for the last year.... I looked back at all the challenges and hurdles, client and colleague situations... and I realised I had found a solution to every single one of them. Later at times than what might be expected, but I had nevertheless. An even stronger realisation was how little help I had received from certain quarters it was expected from. And even though some problems still remain unsolved, I am onto a solution now. So I know I will get there. I don't know how right now but I will get there. I still get worried but I will get there.

I looked at things from purely my perspective, and I was happy. In this moment I chose to overlook what these people mirrors had been reflecting all this while. I chose to look within rather than outside in search for answers. I am happy I found them. In an instance a few other thoughts flashed past and I felt I was looking at the whole situation with a new perspective. I was placing a lot of importance on my own feedback and how I felt and what I wanted. I gave myself credit for all the hard work in the last year. I was not feeling guilty, for once... I hate introspections because mostly they are instigated by some feeling of guilt. I was happy that I was experiencing a 'happy introspection' for a change, right after a stressful moment.

I was full of hope, looked at the challenges in front, for which I know I will not get much support, but for once the thought did not make me nervous. It made me think... have managed it till now so will now on as well. For once I felt faith within, coming from my own feedback. Absolutely independent of what any one else thought. And it felt great!

The second victory came in a relationship with a colleague. I acted out of instinct, contrary to what every one else had been telling me. I had a conflict situation at hand and everyone I spoke to about it supported my cause and said how it was all so unfair. They were being good friends. I however did not take any advice I got. I took responsibility for making things better and went back and worked on the relationship. I listened before being listened to. I understood before being understood. I did on my own that no one had asked me to do. I sat dwn and took out time to list all the good things this person had and genuinely communicated my regard. We had to say something about everyone else at a team dinner and I took the opportunity. I listed down all of these and my colleague did not say a thing but her surprise was genuine. Its been getting better since. Not all mails are marked to boss. There is much less defensiveness.

And everyone else has been coming back saying I am doing a good job! I smile at them... the same people were giving me some totally diff advice some time back. But that's how things are... :)

Some failure is inevitable in life. This week I took out time to look at success. We indians are so conditioned to be failure focused we miss out on the lil joys of celebrating our success. So as I celebrate I an getting this feeling of coming full circle somehow!

To change the flavour, we are hunting for acco for sis in NZ. And my parents are absolutely ok with the idea of her sharing a flat with two guys! My jaw dropped and I was gaping at them like a retard... till my sister pinched me. Mon and Dad dint realise this ofcourse... they had already moved on to the next topic of conversation. I looked at my sis and she smiled back. Things have changed back here people... they really have! 6 years ago they would have disowned me and then shot me in the eye for having so much as thought about such a thing! Look at them now! In this part of the universe evolution is moving with the speed of light! And I am glad.

Live from Firangi Paani

Hi everyone...

I have been dancing like mad on the floor... just came back to take a breather and thought of this crazy idea of writing a blog entry from here!

I am getting a lot of crazy looks... like 'how could she open that damned damned thing within these holy walls'... but then! I will now be thinking about this and smiling to myself for some time to come so hell with everyone!

And this is going to be short post... but there's more to come soon.. I have been in one those phases.. you know those... the ones I keep slipping into every now and then... but then that's a story for another time!!

Till then... I'll go burn some on the floor!

Love!

Little dots on my map-o-life

We are losing H to marriage and hence decided to offer our condolences at Firangi Paani. I love that place by the way... Its such an 'oxygen'ating change after cramped I-can't-breathe-here-no-more shacks and Totos of the world. It also has the longest bar in Bombay. And there is so much space around tables you could actually play 'catch me or my balls if you can' around them.

So me decided to break the rules... to hell with the fact that it was an outing with office junta... and had mostly women in it... me decided to wear silk flow-on-and-hug-me upper, teamed with a denim mini... strappy bronze sandals and reckless spray painting of my fav Bvlgari perfume.

End result: H comes up to me and says.... "Hii... I am H****... have we met before?" I wink back and say... "Was that addressed to me or my legs?" He laughingly makes the eyes rolling I-can't-believe-you-just-said-what-you-did face and raises his hands in defeat... not that I mind.

And then what happens is very very nice. I had fun... after I decided to shun some people from my radar. I chose yesterday to spend my time with people who are simple. They might not be categorised as the most intelligent ones around... honestly very intelligent people psyche me in relationships. I chose to shamelessly dance in the aisles with this set of women and found the experience very satisfying. I chose to ask them questions about them and was so happy to receive simple answers not putting too much pressure on my processor. I was so happy I was welcome to spend my time with them without having an entry or exit barrier.

Also floating around is an idea of a ladies' day out ... the master mind of the plan wishes to hang out, drink...lech at men... even pick em up... generally perpetrate in every sense of the word and make it a memorable evening to say the least. Lets see if anyone has the guts to go through this one. Impress me please!

It was late by the time it all got over... and I was open heartedly offered a room in P's house, in case I was uncomfortable going back home. And the genuineness of it all was exhilarating considering we aren't the thickest of friends. Somehow I would rather be around this set of people than the ones who base their lives on the rational model... only that 'just rational' becomes very boring after a point.

I also saw a movie yesterday ... it was a lil syrupy... I wasn't over the moon with it but it had a strong message. The lady in the movie is dying and has 3 weeks to go. And the rest is about how she goes about reclaiming her life before she reaches the pearly gates. So she says the things she wants to, cusses, misbehaves, quits her job and blows every penny she has on living life king size. And manages to get everything an international socialite would call success... And the role's been played by Queen Latifa... She is black and about 100% overweight... wherein lies the true message of the movie I guess.

Today was spent in reading a book. Its momentous coz I have finally finished a book I started, in a long time. I read it for straight 8 hours till I was done with it. So its been a great weekend... full with the party scene and reading... TV and maggi... along with waking up only after afternoons. I am content and have not thought about work. Its so peaceful, I want to stay awake the whole night just to keep feeling like this.