The fictional pain of it all

I am only human. And how better to realise this then to know that the biggest word if someone wordled you was love. I am slipping into an abyss where how I see things is such a wierd place to be in. Its got all sort of labels like needy and crazy and though I know it there is no way that I can manage this juggernaut right now. I wish you could buy peace. Just peace at the end of the day. So here I am standing in front of the mirror... looking at my placid face. And I and I alone can hear the scream within. If I look at the face on the scream its staring at me straight and screaming its lungs out, rage dripping down it. And I dont even know what I did wrong. I dont even know if she is screaming at me or the world. And if any of this will change any time soon.

Lethargy

So can you be in love with someone if you don't like who you are with them? If you feel humiliated and defeated... and all that you can feel is so much pain that it numbs you... right when you should be screaming your head off... you just nod. Just nod. Just nod. When you reach a point that you don't expect them to understand anymore because it will start a conversation you do not have energy for. When you cry... but not because you expect a gesture of warmth. It comes straight from the soul. Like it needs to be emptied. When you do not wish to hope, for it needs courage and that needs stamina. So I am done. Or somewhere close to it.

The plurality of Virtue

The moral shape of silence
To not say...
is to lie..
is to hide..
is to hurt...
in an attempt to not hurt...
Is it the end result...
The one that you cannot control...
The thing alone that counts?
Or is that small little thing called 'Volition'...
A round peg in a square hole?
Countertops...table stakes...must dos and haves
feel like its all a game and gamble
for its impossible to know what you want...
and even tougher to know what I have...
So in the end its just luck that I come up
with the hand you needed dealt...
And then the question is
Did you win or I?

And the hope that sun will shine... soon

You think that you know love. You think that you have lived it for years ... and then one day it just ups and surprises the life out of you. Literally the life out of you. The past few weeks have been tough. They've been about choices. Like a multiple choice with just one right option. And you look at it... the paper infront of you and you just can't pick one. From your point of view you love all these people wanting you to choose... and then love does not say its a planet where you have countries with lines and boundaries and violent defenses. So why to have to make a choice...? So you think you'll trump it! You'll refuse to pick and let love run its course. Have faith and wait it out... wait for all these people to believe that loving someone does not mean I don't love you too. That I am not dividing myself up... just sharing more of me. Subtle differences... deeper hurts. And then the whole cycle of waiting for yourself to forgive yourself for assumed damages on all sides... and everyone looking at you with the accusation that you could have prevented it. Yes... I could have. But then what would I have done about the voice within that screams stop compromising! That screams enough! The good thats come out of it all is that I faced my worst fears in their faces... And they aren't that scary. Am still numb. I don't feel much. There was some positive hope... but then seems 'fickle' too is a law somewhere. For it shows up in equations pretty often. The funny thing is that in the end when I did not have to pick and all came around to what I had been saying from the very start... why do I feel its better to strike it out alone... for some time. Human beings, wants and do-not-wants, duty and right... guilt and righteousness... its all grey. I think I'll do what I always do. Wait it out for the sun to shine... soon.

Pivoting squares

The make of the cast has a purpose. It sticks. And stays. Water on the other hand... fools the cast into thinking its done. And then it slips out... smiling in its own language. It does all it wants in the cast... rise up... splash out... stay quiet and meditate. And then... when the will demands... it slips out.

Heaven forbid the day it starts thinking the cast is it. The cast it is. So flow. Flow.

The horcrux

The serpent sayeth...
Will you lay down?
Hiss on the mind playeth
for in poison too calm is found.

The dark shadows
seem inviting
Time's quiet sallows
No prayer and just a wing.

Its been a year and more

Its been a long time since I came to the dear blog. Have shied away from writing for a long long time thinking only wishy washy people parade their emotional wares in public for other people to buy. And had always searched for that elusive place where it does not matter and then you can write whatever you wanna. May be I am getting there. I really hope so.

So life has been a roller coaster. I am going to be thirty very soon. I am an indian girl courting the thirties and man... peer pressure's gotten new depths of meaning and nuances to it that I never thought existed. I see a lot of people doing stuff...like getting married for there are just too many questions to answer other wise and well... one has to settle down one day so might as well. And well... what can you expect in a wife / husband and may be this is just about good enough and we'll throw in a few surprises to get things going for at least sometime... so viola! get hitched.

And I feel like what if my life isn't meant to be lived by the rules? What if I just don't fit in the framework? What if...

Its so gweeen here...

That is what a 3 year old told her mommy at one of the places we visited yesterday. Thankfully we did not meet a statistically significant population from any specific state. Now... it was a day of churches and temples and spices. And it was so green I was wondering my body must be getting used to toxic levels of oxygen. To summarise we visited the most famous church in Goa - The Basilica of Bom Jeses (Infant or Baby Jesus):



Then the largest church in Goa: Se Cathedral, which was built in the honour of St. Catherine who died the everyday death of being stoned to death.



Another view of Se Cathedral:



And then the oldest one: The Chapel of our lady of the Rosemary. This was built in 1510 A.D., when a gentleman called Albequerqe from Portugal first stepped onto the Indian soil... He had stood here watching his forces battle those of Adil Shah, the then ruler of Goa. Situated in Velha Goa (Old Goa), a city of more than 200,000 residents in 16th - 17th century, this is a much abandoned church with masses held only on the 8th of every month. It was interesting to read up on the hostory of Velha Goa in the Art Gallery at Bom Jesus. This also was the place I just did not wanna come back from. Green and gorgeous and mysterious... stunningly beautiful.

We walked up these 400 year old stone steps...



Greeted each other in silence..



Saw things like this iron gate that seemed to come right out of one of those Lewis Carol or Enid Blytons... stones and mist and iron bars... the spaces between providing a peek into the forbidden but that's all... or so I thought as I shook it to see if it will open and let me in feeling a mix of adventure and reproach at the locked mystery.



And then came onto this...



and stood there...



and stood there...



and there...



We met this cool sound artist here with all his gear and stuff. He was recording wind and bird sounds for a documentary for NatGeo. Swell chap... so we stood and yakked for a while and he gave us ideas on some more lesser visited nooks and corners of Goa... like this small island with quaint villas and houses we could ferry to and then just drive around in it. Finally Dad and I needed to pee and so we reluctantly made a move but not before I could personalise the whole bit with this:



We walked down...



Lets see what more is in store for us now...



Signing off...
Wanderlust regards!

can't-sleep-rt-now-and-got-nothing-to-do post

So, among other things just a few I'd like to mention...

I used the 'f' word twice with Ma. She pretended not to notice.
I used 'Bastard' in front of both of them and they were very polite in their admonishings.
I was the only person wearing a dress on any or all of the beaches today. Sure shot way to get noticed!
I just realised that I have had no water but only wine and beer to drink today.
I openly laughed at a couple because they decided to stop dead in their tracks, and break out into sensuous rain songs while on their way down some ancient steps to the beach below. It does not sound so funny now does it..?
For the whole day it felt like it was us and the state of Bengal in Goa. For all their taste in clothes, food and gods... they seem to be lacking severely in restaurant manners. Their kids always cry or talk too much... everyone on general talks too much and much too loud. And all they say sounds like questions coz it ends in a note higher than when it all began to be said. They always complain... the marxist/revolutionary/'I am a lazy ass but will have yours if you so much as take time to blink while getting me my fish which I won't eat immediately anyway because I need to vehemently argue with my 2 year old' attitude.
The couple singing on stairs were from the afore mentioned state.
My ex is from that state.
Do you know a body builder from this state?
All men were thinner than all women. And all men and all women had paunches.
The couple on the stairs did sing well tho.
I am going to read Amartya Sen's 'The Idea of Justice' after I am done with the current reading of 'Stern men' by Elizabeth Gilbert.
The great thing about beng women wearing shorts is that my dad and I can fall over each other laughing watching the uncomfortable gait for too tight an elastic band after too much of lunch... we entered the house today walking just like that one after the other chanting 'cholbe na... cholbe na'!

G Spot!

The day was well spent. The daily Goa diary today has entries for the following spots, (in line with the newly established tradition on the blog... pictures speak a thousand words. Hope you like em!)

1. The sea at Kalangut: It was a rainy day and I cannot thank the forces that be enough for it. It was cool, breezy, pituresque and everything I ever wanted.



2. Bagha: We stepped into Goa at the brink of the tourist/mad frantic crowds season. So rt now we have the advantage of seeing everything and doing it all but without queues and too many people or the air turning into a perspiration soup to breathe in. Its cheap and pretty. Did I smash all my luck for the year in one go or did I smash it!



3. Anjuna: Rocky, rough and rainy. This one had rocks strewn around like some sunbathing champs... all flat and lying on their backs. Dad said it used to be famous at a point of time for Hippies. So much so that he almost missed the bus in the mad scramble to spot some of them. :) Its incredible to imagin this 52 year old man wanting to see hippy women at some point in his life... That might explain somethings I have done tho... must be in the blood. Not my fault then is it? And that's me in the picture trying to do a Titanic on as close as I can get to the real sea.




4. Vagator: My favorite... firstly because I think it's got the coolest name of all. And secondly it had some old world feel to it. I stood on the cliff getting drenched in the rain and feeling one with the place. It was quiet. I was the only person standing on that cliff for a long time... ma and Pa waiting in the car. It seemed like I was with a person ancient and wise... who has just been there waiting still and stoic for centuries now and will be there for all the time to come. Not too many great words for this one feeling I guess. Its a soul thing. More pictures hence...





5. Fort Aguada: DCH moment! cliched but true... me was looking for my boat out there on the horizon. Scenic... and too many people for a change.





6. Random: this is a place we found while hiking a lil on foot and I think it was just incorrigibly quaint. Its one of my fav pics of the day.

1. The new cozy

So a lot has happened since we met on blogosphere (for all I know this statement could be addressed to just one person reading this much abandoned blog!) but anyway... I am breaking it all down into 4 - 5 posts so I can tell all with pics! Happy viewing.



I have shifted houses and the new house is called The Penthouse... in the hope of that particular inspiration translating itself to materialistic reality... and if you thought I want a real penthouse or something then you don't know me. :)

The view from my balcony... Mumbai monsoons from a 4th floor apartment. Its peaceful. I refuse to have a roommate and stand tall and proud against the parental lamentings of all the rent money wasted... Even more so because its a 2 BHK and I love living all alone in it, with a few friendly invisible spirits of course. The latest joke around it being how I can just go for a walk in my own house for all the exercise I need. I look foward to housing friends over, throwing parties and killing people by throwing them over the balcony.

2. Bengaluru... the name sucks

I accompanied ma n pa in the shift from Pune to Bengaluru... some glimpses from the trip. The pay phone on the bamboo pole was charming... The dude making the call posed too! Ha! :)



can you see the smoke from the dhaba's chimney? I had the most amazing omlettes and tea in this place. On the outskirts of bangalore they were all the five stars or such places claim to be and are not. Ambience, food, and scenic too! Completely quaint. It also was the longest car trip of my life...

3. Mumbai Darshan - Ma Pa Me

Ma and Pa came to Mumbai and we visited all the places attacked during 26/11. It was solemn and warming seeing how life has just rushed back. So you have the Taj, Trident among many and my feet... the latter as a momento of all the places we stood on and things we remembered. I love Bombay.




ps: Something with blogger... Dude can't handle placing more than 1 pic aesthetically.

4. Gogoa!!

Yess.... I am in Goa right now. and if the pic attached is anything to go by then this is going to be an awesome trip... We are at a villa in Candolim... the cook's fantastic.. Its just the first day and I am worried about how much I ate. The weather rocks... Its insanely quiet. I have two cameras at my disposal and internet. The best thing is that there are no plans for this week long vacation. Whims shall govern where the feet tread.

5. Crystal Gazing

What were you thinking of reading that title...? Presentations?? I do. Everytime someone says that. B-School has ruined this phrase for me. Anyway... as point no 5 in this list, I am going to be Belle dancing in Istanbul next year in July! And to get technical... please find attached the very first of my collection of belts. I have them in different colours and designs etc etc.. but this is my favorite! Glee!!

Its not a happy ending

Quite acerbic infact. I was almost thinking of not putting it down here but then I was suddenly quite sure I will come back to this someday and laugh. In a nut shell, my nerves are frayed... and I was shaking with anger some time back. And Moms are the best thing in the world because they happen to be the only people in one's life who will listen to all the rants any time of the day or night. I love mine.

Its my last night in this house... I have spent almost two years here. I start a new phase tomorrow. Its wierd thinking right now that I will have to learn to wake up and go to sleep in a different set of walls. I am hoping I will be able to call it home. I am hoping I will grow to love the corners and imperfections and feel the warmth of family and friends in it. I am actually excited about it and have been planning house warming parties for quite some time.

Of the time spent in this house, I'd say much has changed in my life here. I wish I had carried a greater wealth of friends from the people I met in this house. That will be limited to the domestic helps, and its not a mean feat trust me. I'd rather be with simple poor people than complicated bitchy rich ones. :) If I have managed two, who can be trusted blindly and will stand with me in trying times... I have done well.

So I will sleep with this prayer tonight:

'Dear God, bless me with a wealth of friends, people I can call my own. Bless me with souls who will walk with me, even if the bodies carrying them may not be around, for I am always greedy for unadulterated pure faith to be put in and received from them. Bless me with people who are simple, honest and understand love. I truly do not require much more after that. Amen.'

Take a deep breath in and hold.

I am in love with Jason Mraz and Eric Hutchinson at the moment... the latter's song rock and roll has been on repeat since morning. And Mraz's 'I'm yours' is my cell ring tone. I spent some good amount of time shopping with my friend and then visiting her family yesterday. She has two small boys and they are such cute monsters. We made strories on icecream monsters and how if they do come out of the icecream cups they will bite everyone in the bum! :D and then we ran around squealing with laughter... Then they wore their Judo uniforms and showed off all their moves.. So one min I'd be discussing something profound with my friend on love, realtionships and marriage and the larger game plan of life and second discussing strategies to kill the icecream monster with the elder one of her babies. It was absolutely chaotic and fun. Then I came back and spent an unholy 5 hours on the net researching rock bands and looking for ways to steal music from the net. So all in all a good day.

The strategy for today is yet to emerge. The fact that I am supposed to be out of this house on Wednesday and shift to a new house is supposed to be a priority... But as you may have already guessed it will take a large large push for me to get started in that direction! It is an infinitely more interesting proposition to just get out of home and go to Powai and spend time walking the roads with my ipod and all this music pouring over me in the light rain... or go to a cafe with my laptop and just waste time writing! But... let me get started on my packing or I am just going to have to sit and cry for all the laziness in the next three days itself!

As for reading, I am munching on 'Influence: Science and Practice' by Robert Cialdini... Yet another amazing book. It peels the layers from the marketing srategies and tells us how every day of our lives we are actually being manipulated like puppets by the proponents of consumerism and what have we in the world around us...(Marketing was my minor in college and I spend a good amount of time comparing ad campaigns, content, creatives etc... like zoozoos vs what-they-call-em from virgin mobile ad campaign... and the whole idea of Idea cellular using Aby's baby which is obviously a more costly and maybe less effective proposition... you get the drift)... All in all not a good book for control freaks. Its brilliantly written... the examples and experiments are completely relatable and for those who are interested in the devious workings of human mind, this is a must read... for you can increase your effectiveness in getting people to do what you want them to manifolds. The author also talks about defense strategies against being influenced... cherry on all the icing on all the yummy cake.

The list after this includes 'Crucial Conversations'... I am to assist building a training program around this so... Just hoping it doesn't go all preachy on me. Will let ya know... till then Crape Diem!

Phew....

I reached the big milestone in life... I do not anymore feel the need of teaching others any or all of my pearls of wisdom in life. And a lil surprisingly, my reaction to the realisation was that of immense relief. Its like there is an agenda hanging around conversations reeking of your saccharine enthusiasm in life and trust me there is nothing that puts someone off more than the fact that you are dying tell them how to make their shit better.

That was tough confessing but its done.

You know honestly... I feel there is something deeply cultural about this symtom... from the place I come from, everyone has it. Its almost like the way of conversations back there. And I am glad to have grown over it. So if there was a community called 'To each his own'on facebook, I'd be the latest member.

Halo of the shadow

I have been having this idea of writing this big big tome of a novel and all I need is a paid vacation to someplace shiny and warm for 13 months a year. Only because its gonns be a tourist spot and people are gonna come and go. No long relationships. I think time kills them, most anyway. I would selfishly only wanna know them till they are there... when they have all the time in the world and money for themselves. Its the best time to engage their faculties completely, when they listen and wanna be something bigger and different from their ordinary lives.

I want me to be the only constant in this brilliant laboratory of souls in human forms... though I wouldn't mind a dog. Have you ever imagined some place like this and how the rules of the game change. Suddenly, it does not matter where you are from, what your family did to you or you to them. You can come up with a fictional life and no one would care. Every one's just completely self-indulgent, and refreshingly honest about it... for they are on a vacation.

I've begun to dislike reading other people's blogs... my own too actually. Yes... I go and re-read my posts. To see if they carry the same emotion for me now as they did then. Mostly the answer is yes and sometimes I get cringy and uncomfortable at all the emotion I have laid bare for strangers to read. And I get bored with all the self-indulgence I see... I did blah blah blah... my life has... my passion is... I feel like... and you can very well turn around and say I din't ask you to read mine so fuck off for I can clearly do without your self-indulgent take on the issue. So to divert the whole matter lets see if we can answer the question of why do people write blogs? I do know its a mode of expression, but is it:

1. Blogs are like surrogates for conversations. In our worlds people use blogs to say what they don't have anyone to express to. sorry state. Not all probably, but most. And the remaining few get to be 'Blogs of note'...

2. Blogs are like surrogates for a desired life. You can weave threads into an anonymous story and put it out there for a larger audience. And experiment with what if that is how things really were, would the world have turned out for you? Comments or No Comments. and if any... what kind? Sympathy, love, curiosity, agreement...

I think I know my answer. You can find one for you and keep it.

The crawly in my blanket

'Before Sunset' by far has been the scariest thing I saw this week. For the minority who may not have seen this masterpiece, please do not do so. I have seen it several times but it is one piece of art that can fill me with joy, anguish and fantasy at the same time. The scariest part of the movie is when Jesse describes his marriage... he says how he started out wanting to follow this ideal self of his, rather than the honest self.. he thought that respect, admiration and trust were enough and if he could be this ideal version of himself it didn't matter who he was with. Love would happen... its been some years now and he is miserable. He feels he is running a nursery for his 4 year old with someone he used to date once.

U see I have been living with the same idea for several months now... that it is me that matters. I need to be who I wanna be and then it does not matter who I end up with. I'll be able to give and receive love nonetheless but this guy just scared the shit out of me.

Its funny coz over the last several months I have been warring with the realisation that love is that something magical... its that wrinkle in the bedsheet that fits perfectly with the edge of the mattress for it to be folded under. Its that snug exact length of an arm you would like to tuck around yourself while going to sleep every night. No elbow jutting out... no finger in your face.

I do not want to beleive that its an exact science. And its bloody terrifying. I have been swimming in what ifs... what if I do not find my crazy baby in time? what if he does not like my kind of sex? What if I can't talk to him like I have done with some people in my life... just the way one connects with random strangers at times...

There is another funny thing that scares me that I'd like to confess. My job entails I keep meeting my BU Heads. And somehow there is this one man who seems to like certain qualities in me. Like the fact that I listen. So to cut a long story short, I had a dissgreement with him on a decision he took and I made it clear to him... in the next couple of hours we met 4 times and each time we disagreed. He obviously enjoyed the intellectual jogging and told me as much. So towards the end of these couple of hours... he cracked a joke and all around laughed including me, and I responded with a wise crack and in that one moment... our frequencies were so in tune that he physically moved towards me... to slap my back or hug me, I don't know... I could feel my eyes widening with a mixture of fear and shock and he realised just in time that we had an audience and pulled himself back. I don't know if it was visible to others, but I was shaken a little. I don't think there was anything sexual in that sudden overpowering impulse he felt, but its scared me nonetheless.

I am scared of the way people can feel around me. And specially intelligent ones. They seem to have this need to be understood and I am someone who can listen deeply. Its a very tiring process trust me. Its very hard work... to listen. And I am making a pattern out of people talking about things they wouldn't have told anyone. I share snippets with some relevant others outside and they are shocked at people talking to me about all that stuff. Someone said it gives me a lot of power... but maybe... I don't want that power. I just want to be me. This whole adult world sounds and feels very alien to me most times and I don't know if I wanna play this game of listening and reaching deep any more. Honeslty... I get a sense of being violated. I get a sense that people use this ability of mine to be able to listen to them... so deeply sometimes I become one with them... their pain becomes mine and their anguish burns in my heart. It is difficult to explain to most people. And it all can be so horribly misconstrued by everyone. I begin to threaten people and the whole cycle of destructive behavior around me begins. Or they start projecting all their desires on me and expecting the world. I don't have all the talents in the world and I end up being blamed for that. Someone who could make them feel like heaven in the beginning is suddenly no good any more.

The only solution therefore seems to join them... and behave like I am just one of the many insensitives around and you'll get no different from me than from anyone else. It seems like an ok enough defense mechanism, which will so surely make me very unhapppy.

Anyway excuse me for this has been a desultory conversation. I just poured my heart out and it's splashing around rather erratically rt now.